Overqualified

I just returned from my first job interview in about 20 years, give or take a decade. Notice that I said “interview” and not “audition”. It was for a receptionist position at a local spa. Having recently been employed in the fitness industry as a personal trainer I figured I’d be a shoe-in. Perhaps I am. The jury’s still out on that one…

I show up to the interview about 10 minutes early, you want to give a good first impression of course. I’m dressed “smart and casual”. No tie. Not for a spa. You're supposed to evoke relaxing thoughts to guests, not remind them of their daily grind.

I think I look pretty damn good.

I am greeted by not one, but two women. They are both in their mid-twenties (at the most), dressed in business suits, wearing too much jewelry and carrying clipboards. I introduce myself politely and we move into the hotel’s lobby to conduct the interview.

I thought I handled the whole situation rather admirably. I never stumbled, never faltered, never tripped over my own words or had to re-phrase my sentences. I answered their questions quickly and to the point.

The first girl to speak, we'll call her Interviewer #1 , has a lazy eye. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in this situation, but it’s very hard to distinguish which eye you should be looking into.

I take the safe route and stare at the bridge of her nose.

She glances down at her clipboard (with her good eye) and presents me with a “situation”. I'm pretty sure she was reading from the cliff notes for "How To Conduct An Interview For Dummies".

“You’re at the front desk. A person is checking-out. Another person is checking-in. The phone starts ringing…what do you do?”

Gee, I didn’t realize there was a psychiatric evaluation for a receptionist job at a spa.

I answer her question to the best of my ability and we continue.

I tell them of my days working in many different countries around the world, as well as throughout the United States. I also, of course, touch on my days working as a personal trainer in Las Vegas.

Interviewer #2 is just sitting there, pretending to listen.

A forced half-smile is plastered on her face.

She is staring blankly at the air.

Is there some reason she's present? Is she a deaf/mute? Does she have vocal chords?

Interviewer #1 poses another mind-boggling question... “You DO understand that this is an entry level position, right?”

Of course I do. I just spent the better part of last year face down in a gutter watching my life flow silently toward the storm drain. Not that I'm telling her that.

I tell her “yes”, and that I had recently moved to the area "to be with family”. She doesn’t need to know the whole "situation".

Hell, even I don’t want to know the whole "situation".

Interviewer #1 continues.“You seem overqualified for this position...”

Wow.

Now there’s a shocker.

Look, I'll take a shift shoveling sheets of shriveled sheep shit in Shanghai right now...I just need to feel like a useful member of society again.

That, and I need to GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!

Listen interviewer ladies, I empathize with your situation.

Honestly, I do.

I know who you’re really looking to hire is a ditzy, airhead, 20-year-old, bleach-blonde bimbo who spends the whole day manicuring her fingernails, popping her bubble gum and touching up her already too-heavy makeup while ignoring the phone and making the customers feel like they’re a nuisance.

Cut a guy some slack will ya? I’m trying to pick myself up off the floor here…