Megadeth

I work with a girl named Meredith. She's from Alabama, or "Bama" as she calls it. The girl is the definition of poor white trash, with a deep southern drawl...and a forked tongue. She bitches about everything. So much so that the girls who sit next to her have all requested to be moved to the other side of the room. She relentlessly teases the girl I'm seeing. No, scratch that, she outright hates her, and she's turned her Medusa head toward me because of it. At a recent work party she called my name, and when I turned she threw a football straight at my face. We make jokes about her and have given her names like "Megadeth", or D.B. for "dirty bitch" or "droopy boobs". To say that I don't like this girl is an understatement. I distance myself from her whenever I can and avoid eye contact like the plague.

Meredith died this week. She was only 25.

This has become one of the more puzzling inner struggles I've ever had to deal with. How do you feel when the school bully dies? Am I sad that she died? Yes. Am I glad that I don't have to deal with her abrasive personality anymore? Also yes. Does this make me a bad person? Of course not. Then why do I feel like one? She wasn't evil. And she wasn't a bad person. She had friends. She made people laugh. Something went wrong somewhere and now it's too late to find out what. A group of us were talking about her the other night, discussing what a complete and utter B-I-T-C-H she could be. Right at that moment she was probably taking her last breath.

Perhaps I was too narrow-minded. Perhaps I could have met her half way. Perhaps I just gave up and never gave her a chance. Perhaps I withdrew into my own little world and decided I was just going to hate her, no matter what. Perhaps she brought all this on herself, but does that mean I couldn't at least try to see her side? It may have all been a simple misunderstanding. Something that could have been easily remedied by merely talking to each other. I'll never know.

Once a person is gone, you don't get the chance to make it right.

Headline of the week

Best Jugglers in the World Throw Up in Las Vegas

For the third year in a row, the World Juggling Federation (WJF) will hold it's annual competition in Las Vegas. The best technical jugglers in the world will compete for prize monies in several different diciplines over the four-day weekend.

I just love old people

One unremarkable afternoon I'm at the gym when I see this elderly woman on one of the treadmills trying to get it started. She sees me, motions me over and says rather harshly, "Excuse me, young man. How do you get this thing start?". Now it's a new model of treadmill and I've never used this particular one before, so I take a look at it and see "Touch here to start" displayed brazenly across the screen. The rest of the conversation went something like this:

"Okay, just touch the screen right here", I press the button.

"Oh, now how do you get it to speed up?"

"Just push right here where it says 'Speed' with the up and down arrows."

"Okay, now how do you increase the incline?"

"Just push right here where it says 'Incline' with the up and down arrows."

"You know I just spent 15 minutes on that other treadmill over there trying to get it to go, and nothing happened." She points the culprit out to me.

"I'll go check it out for you."

So I walk over to the demon treadmill, but before I even get close I can see what the problem is...the screen is completely blank. There's no power. So I look to the side of the machine and yup, it's not plugged in. I plug it back in and it comes to life with a "Beep".

I head back over to Granny.

"The problem was that the treadmill wasn't plugged in."

"Oh. Now where do I plug in my headphones?"

"See the little headphone symbol next to that plug?"

"Oh, okay. Now how do I change the TV channel on the screen?"

"Just push right here where it says 'Channel' with the up and down arrows."

"Uh huh. Okay, now how do I turn up the volume?"

"Just push right here where it says 'Volume' with the up and down arrows."

...I just love old people.

Do What Tastes Right

Scene: Two young men standing in an indescript garage, each holding a cup of frozen yogurt.

Young man #1 - "This stuff's awesome."

Young man #2 - "It's pretty tasty all right."

"But do you know what's really amazing? It's not a solid or a liquid. That can mean only one thing...it's a 'squid'!"

"A squid? You mean like calamari?"

"And you know what else? This utensil isn't a spoon or a fork. That must mean it's a 'spork'!"

"Dude, we already have sporks. We ate lunch with them in our high school cafeteria, remember?"

"This could be the beginning of something huge! It could change everything for us! We'll be famous!"

". . . . .you're an idiot."

The Way I See It #9

The city planners manage to slip yet another one past the approval board...