Who invented this stupid holiday anyway? Hallmark? Russell Stover? Tiffany's? Or perhaps all the florists of the world got together and created it. In any case, this has to be the stupidest idea for making me spend more money I don't have. Guys seem to know this...girls do not. A guy could let this day pass by and probably wouldn't even notice...or give a damn. But WOE TO HIM if he were to forget to lavishly adore his loving wife/girlfriend. Look babe, I just bought you a pair of diamond stud earrings 6 weeks ago for Christmas. Why is it women give a shit about this "holiday"? Why can't they see through it's insincerity like the cellophane on the box of chocolates you're doomed to shop for. On this one day of the year, men are pressured to feel all lovey-dovey and express it in no uncertain terms. Excuse me, but isn't love a bit more unscheduled? Isn't love a bit more spontaneous? No, I'm sorry you have to feel totally, unabashedly in love with her TODAY.
Then of course there's the single person, and there are just a few of us out there, who get this opportunity once a year to feel completely left out by this fabricated holiday. Don't have a sweetheart? Well what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Geez, you must be some kind of complete loser not to be in a relationship. Go home and sit in front of your T.V. alone and drown yourself in a quart of Ben and Jerry's. You're a freak, you don't belong, and as though you don't feel lonely enough, here it is to rub it in your face all over again...
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Great Equalizer
"Can you take a picture for me?"
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
Friday, January 27, 2006
For The Championship Of The World...
1. Double 1. Another 1.
"Great round, you sure cleared all the 1's."
"Whatever. Your turn, you smug bastard." She headed back to the table and lay down her darts. She despised the way he always had to rub things in, he'd done it forever. Taking a sip of her drink, she watched her opponent head to the dart board. "You know it's only a matter of time until I beat you. You can't win all the time."
Triple 20. Triple 19. Triple 18.
Another perfect round. What is his secret anyway? "You cheat."
"I do not cheat," he said. "I simply let the darts find their way to their mark."
"Yeah, right." Now it was her turn. She stepped slowly up to the board. "You know, that's your problem, always has been. You're not a hands on enough kind of guy. You just let things slip by and before you know it...POOF!" She made a big gesture with her hands like a magician making something disappear. "Like I said, only a matter of time." She turned to the board…
3. 5. Another 1.
Lowering her head in disgust she headed back to the table, dreading the ribbing she was sure she was about to receive. As she sits down, her foe turns to her and says, "No, no, that was good. You had great form that time."
"Oh shut up. Even when you're trying to be nice you're still an ass." Drumming her red fingernails on the table, she watched her nemesis approach the board one more time. Of course, she knew what was to come next, she'd seen it too many times.
Triple 17. Triple 16. Triple 15.
"I don't believe this...luck favors the foolish, I guess," she tried lamely to save what was left of her bruised ego. She should be used to coming in second by now, but she hated it, she didn’t like to lose. She began to feel irritable. "What is with the thermostat in this place anyway? It’s not hot enough in here." Her opponent returned to the table and sat down. Looking her square in the eye he says, "You try too hard. It's throwing off your game. Just try to relax and will the dart where you want it to go."
"Easy for you to say," she said. "That's all you've ever done, will things to happen. Well I'm sorry, but life doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it takes sweat and determination to get things done." She took another sip of her drink, picked up her darts and headed back up to the board. "You know, that's what bugs me about you. At least I'm up front and honest about who I am and what I do. Everybody knows what my game is, just sign your name on the dotted line." The flames began to flicker behind her eyes. "But you sit up there on your throne with your 'holier than thou' attitude and make everybody guess what it is you want. Still, people worship you. They dedicate their entire lives to you. They fight wars and die in your name. And for what?"
Bulls-eye.
"Great round, you sure cleared all the 1's."
"Whatever. Your turn, you smug bastard." She headed back to the table and lay down her darts. She despised the way he always had to rub things in, he'd done it forever. Taking a sip of her drink, she watched her opponent head to the dart board. "You know it's only a matter of time until I beat you. You can't win all the time."
Triple 20. Triple 19. Triple 18.
Another perfect round. What is his secret anyway? "You cheat."
"I do not cheat," he said. "I simply let the darts find their way to their mark."
"Yeah, right." Now it was her turn. She stepped slowly up to the board. "You know, that's your problem, always has been. You're not a hands on enough kind of guy. You just let things slip by and before you know it...POOF!" She made a big gesture with her hands like a magician making something disappear. "Like I said, only a matter of time." She turned to the board…
3. 5. Another 1.
Lowering her head in disgust she headed back to the table, dreading the ribbing she was sure she was about to receive. As she sits down, her foe turns to her and says, "No, no, that was good. You had great form that time."
"Oh shut up. Even when you're trying to be nice you're still an ass." Drumming her red fingernails on the table, she watched her nemesis approach the board one more time. Of course, she knew what was to come next, she'd seen it too many times.
Triple 17. Triple 16. Triple 15.
"I don't believe this...luck favors the foolish, I guess," she tried lamely to save what was left of her bruised ego. She should be used to coming in second by now, but she hated it, she didn’t like to lose. She began to feel irritable. "What is with the thermostat in this place anyway? It’s not hot enough in here." Her opponent returned to the table and sat down. Looking her square in the eye he says, "You try too hard. It's throwing off your game. Just try to relax and will the dart where you want it to go."
"Easy for you to say," she said. "That's all you've ever done, will things to happen. Well I'm sorry, but life doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it takes sweat and determination to get things done." She took another sip of her drink, picked up her darts and headed back up to the board. "You know, that's what bugs me about you. At least I'm up front and honest about who I am and what I do. Everybody knows what my game is, just sign your name on the dotted line." The flames began to flicker behind her eyes. "But you sit up there on your throne with your 'holier than thou' attitude and make everybody guess what it is you want. Still, people worship you. They dedicate their entire lives to you. They fight wars and die in your name. And for what?"
Bulls-eye.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
What's Your Temperment?
Here's how my reading came out: |
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