You've got to be joking, 2007 isn't over yet?

In the first week of 2007, my girlfriend broke up with me. It set the year off on a sour note that has been playing ever since. We managed to patch things up within about a month and have been dating steadily ever since. We even moved in together.

Now in the last week of 2007, history is repeating itself.

A little back story...

She was cast in a show back in her hometown, and we drove her car up at Halloween. I flew back home, but came out to visit her again for Thanksgiving, and to see the opening night of her production.

Starting around the 2nd week of December, after I'd only been home a few weeks, I started noticing changes in her behavior. There was no more "Hi honey" or "miss you" or "love you" in our phone conversations. She seemed very withdrawn, talking mostly about the weather and such. I kept asking her about it, but all she would say is that her life was very "heavy" right now and she didn't want to talk about it. This has been going on for weeks.

Today, as I was looking at a friends' MySpace page, I saw a comment from my girlfriend saying "hi" and that she was probably moving to New York City at the end of February.

Huh?

News to me.

So I call her. No answer. But she returns my call about an hour later. She said she didn't want to burden me at Christmas (like December 27th is any better), so she hadn't brought it up. She said she felt more at peace with herself, that she had grown alot, and didn't want to come back to Vegas and pick up where she left off. She was staying back home, at least for now, and planned on moving to New York before spring to pursue her career. In essence, she said she had "outgrown" me, and that she considered us no longer together.

Exactly 3 months ago today, we moved into a new apartment together. There's still 3 more months left on the lease.

So here is sit, in an apartment half-full of her stuff, staring at the Christmas presents I wrapped for her underneath the tree. I had gone all out this year, buying probably the best, and most thought out, assortment of presents I've ever bought for any girlfriend.

She mailed me a Starbuck's gift card for Christmas.

I don't know when I'll ever see her again. She was supposed to come home in one week. I had planned on decorating the apartment with "Welcome Home" banners and balloons, and looked forward to celebrating a late Christmas with her.

We had been together almost 2 years.

2008 can only go uphill from here, I hope.

Only 16 days to go...

I hate 2007.

Seriously.

What's the deal?

I have posted about this twice before, Welcome to 2007, now kiss my ass and Hey 2007, can you go away now???. Well, here's one more thing to add before this bitch of a year finally comes to an end (Thank God).
__________________________

In an effort to do something better for myself, and get into better shape, I decide to take a class at my gym. Well, it seems they just resurfaced the workout room floor. Halfway through class, I slip and fall twisting my left ankle.

It feels O.K. for the rest of the day, but when I wake up this morning I can barely walk to the bathroom. I decide I can't possibly work today (my job entails a LOT of walking), so I have to call in sick, losing a much needed days' pay at Christmas time. So much for doing something good for yourself.

I go to CVS to pick up a heating pad and bring it home, but it's all wrong. Too small, too thick. I can't get it around my ankle. So I decide the best thing is to exchange it for a different one. I'm also out of fresh water, and I'd like to pick up a DVD to watch since I can't really go anywhere. There's a rental machine right next to the water dispensers. So I grab the water jug and head out to fill it up.

When I get there, none of the dispensers are working.

O.K., I'll just rent the movie I want to see.

Sold out.

Not only that, but as I stand there with my empty jug of water, I realize I've left the heating pad I was going to return on the counter by the front door.

So I head back home, pick up the pad and head over to CVS. I return the item and get a different one. As I'm at the counter, a man comes running into the store yelling, "Someone just backed into a silver Hyundai in the parking lot and took off!".

"It's mine."

Little Soldier

I'm not a person who usually posts on his feelings about the current "war" in the Middle East, but:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well, this one is worth a million.

Enough said.

The Way I See It #17

Wait, what was the name of that town back there?

Puerto Vallarta

For my birthday, I was treated to an extra special trip to Puerto Vallarta. We had a great time, drank a lot of tequila (Don Julio Reposado was my favorite), and I even partook of a local "authentic" dish...cricket tacos. It rained (heavily) for the first several days...like hurricane size rain. A cab we took home one night was filled with about 6 inches of water. Another night were locked out of our condo and had to scale down a cliff (in flip-flops), past the prickly vines, snakes & tarantulas, hurdle over a spiked wall, and sneak in through the back door. Well, someone must have seen us, because the next morning the back door was padlocked shut. So now we were locked IN the condo with no way out.

But one of my favorite memories has to be my birthday. We went to "Daquiri Dick's" right on the beach. Granted you couldn't see the beach through the maelstrom. I had a large red snapper, served still on the spit (yummy!). A strolling musician surprised me with a Spanish version of "Happy Birthday" and the waiters presented me with this cake...

Gee, it looks so nice...except my name's not "Cris"...

Hey 2007, can you go away now???

On Labor Day weekend, I woke to find a note on the front door of my apartment saying that I had 30 days to vacate the premises. Not just me, but the whole complex. 30 days? So I spend the next week running around town trying to scrounge up a new place to live before all the other thousand people who are also displaced grab them up. I finally settle on one, very nice and spacious, but a little more money than I was planning on spending. I have to come up with the down payment by Sept. 23rd. Total cost? $1,770.00. And that doesn’t include the moving truck rental.

The next week, I notice that every time I pull up to a stoplight, my car idles really low and starts to buck, like it's ready to stall. It also does the same thing when backing out of a parking space. It just had an oil change, so I decide to take it in for a tune up. They replace the spark plugs and cables, and find that an intake hose has become disconnected. I also want to get the cabin's air filter replaced because for the past several months, whenever I turn on the AC, it smells like a wet cat. Total cost? $300.00.

Last week, I went to an audition for a show here in town. I was cut right off the bat. Already mildly pissed, I get into my car and start to drive off, but there’s a “ka-chunk, ka-chunk” feeling as I drive down the road. So I get out and inspect the tires and, lo and behold, there’s a 2-inch screw sticking out of the front right tire. So there I am on the side of the road in my dress slacks and shirt, polished shoes, changing my spare tire in 108 degree heat.

The next day, I go down to a tire repair shop to get the flat repaired. The guy behind the counter comes around the front to check and, lo and behold, the flat’s treads are too low for them to repair it. I’m going to have to buy a new tire. Not only that, but when they check the other 3 tires, 2 are running low on tread and showing signs of dry rot. I decide the best thing is just to replace all 4. Total cost? $311.00.

Last night on my way home, it looks as though my front left headlight has burned out. And there’s a cop directly behind me. As I’m trying to figure out how not to get pulled over for a burnt out headlight I (evidently) run a red light. Siren! Shit. So I pull over. I get a ticket for $300.00 for the red light. But that’s not all. Turns out the “proof of insurance” paperwork I have in the car expired at midnight…and it’s now 3:40 a.m. So I get a ticket for $640.00 for being off by 3 hours and 40 minutes. Total ticket cost? $940.00.

This morning, on my way to pick up a new bulb for my headlight, I see that my gas is on empty, so I stop at the station and fill up with the last of my cash. I get to Auto Zone, find the bulb, and bring it to the counter. I swipe my debit card and?…denied. And I don’t have any more cash to buy the bulb, I spent all of it on gas. So I leave the bulb behind, run home, go to my bank's website, and find out that my Visa payment has been denied by my bank, because I didn't take into account the $311.00 I had just spent on new tires, making my checking account overdrawn. This causes a chain reaction of 3 more transactions to bounce. Pile on the fees. Total cost? $140.00 in overdraft charges. Not including the bounced Visa payment, which still has to be paid.

This has all happened in the past 16 days.

And if that wasn’t enough, in 2 weeks I turn 40.

What the fuck?

Survival of the Dumbest

The human race is killing our planet. It's not a new thought, but it bears repeating. We simply don't seem to be able to control our urge to populate...and we dread the thought of death. We will keep ourselves alive, at any cost. Modern medicine is a multi-billion dollar industry in the United States alone.

Evolution has brought about one undeniable fact. The Earth can only be home to so many of each species. Over the millennia, species have evolved, thrived and died out, making way for new species. The evolution of man has completely unraveled what Mother Nature has been doing for millions of years.

Has anyone ever heard of the dinosaurs?

Way back when, the mentally and physically handicapped would have perished at childhood. The blind and deaf would not have lived long enough to grow up and give birth to yet another generation of blind and deaf. Children with autism, schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder would have been outcasts, if they survived at all.

Women have always out-populated men on the global scale. But now, with the advances of modern medicine, some countries are seeing as much as a 10 to 1 ratio of women to men. Why? Because in the past, a large percentage of the female population died in childbirth.

Then, of course, there are the “extremists”. You know, the people who put their lives at risk all for a cheap thrill? The “X Games”, "Jackass" or Nascar. I don’t understand why it becomes such a “tragedy” when one of these losers actually bites it. I’m sorry, but if you’re dumb enough to try it, then I’m willing to call it “population control”.

Terrorists, mass murderers and arsonists are all protected by our “laws”. Yet, in some strange way, I feel that these people are a by-product of man's inability to keep the population at a reasonable percentage of the Earth‘s ability to provide. They are some wacky spin-off of evolution, trying to keep the herd from becoming too much of a burden on the ecosystem. Not that they deserve my pity. But how many times have you heard of a pig killing another pig? Or a dolphin killing another dolphin? Yet these two species are presumed to be closest in mental capacity to humans.

People didn’t used to live to be 100. Plagues killed millions. And I haven’t even touched on the idea that war itself may be a subconscious human catalyst to thin the herd.

Call me insensitive if you must, but think about it.

Name of the game

O.K., it's no secret that I hate almost all rap and hip-hop music. It's beyond tasteless, and requires about as much talent as you acheive by the third grade. If you've got a beat-box, a Casio keyboard and a thesaurus you can be famous. And these "artists" are demi-gods in their own little world, covering themselves in "bling", living in huge mansions (oh, I'm sorry "cribs") that they decorate with cheesy crap, and drive around in expensive cars that the rest of us who actually work for a living could only dream of owning...and they own 10. If these people had any REAL talent I'd eat my words...but they don't. They are products of some mass-produced money machine, and most will live out their days as one-hit wonders at best. As if their "music" wasn't painful enough (See Missy Elliot's train-wreck "Get your freak on", where the same 3 notes are played continually...over, and over again throughout the entire song. Holla!) they have to subject us to the most ridiculous names...

Below is an actual advertisement I found for an upcoming "concert".

"Featuring Printz Board and Tim Izo Orindgreff. Guest artists apl.de.ap and Tabloo."

Seriously?

The Way I See It #16

Talk about "high-tech".

The Nine

9 Bad Things About Me

9) I hate black people. Seriously, what the hell is your problem? I am not responsible for your great, great grandfather's slavery. So lay off the attitude.

8) I'm not gay. So what is wrong with showing affection toward another man? I can't even show affection toward my own brother without getting looks. Yet I see women make out with each other in nightclubs. Are they gay? Nope.

7) I hate the police. Most I know are self-righteous assholes with a god complex.

6) The media feeds on the fear of the public to gain ratings. "Coming up tonight at 10, what you are eating could be killing you."

5) Insurance is the fleecing of America. Here, let me pay you thousands of dollars for something that may never happen, and then when I file a claim you can deny it.

4) George Bush...enough said. Only 19 more months, not that I'm counting.

3) Where the hell has common courtesy gone? I hold open a door for someone and they don't even have the sensibility to say "Thank you"? Blow me.

2) Rap stars need to create an original piece of music, not just cut and paste someone else's work and add a drumbeat to it.

1) If you don't like anything I've said, why don't you go outside and play a nice little game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.

The Way I See It #15

of Course, Everyone knows That when Leaving the "dinning" Room, you Must capitalize Every other Word...

Like I said before, the Engineering Department can't read.

Or is that the Engineering Retardment?

They're so stupid they don't even realize they're stupid.

*scratching his head*

O.K., no shit, this is an actual e-mail I received. I have no idea what it means. It looks like a story, but...

If you can make any sense out of it more power to ya.


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Play it again Sam

My score on The Classic Leading Man Test:



Humphrey Bogart

You're the original man of honor, rough and tough but willing to stick your neck out when you need to, despite what you might say to the contrary. You're a complex character full of spit and vinegar, but with a soft heart and a tender streak that you try to hide. There's usually a complicated dame in the picture, someone who sees the real you behind all the tough talk and can dish it out as well as you can. You're not easy to get next to, but when you find the right partner, you're caring and loyal to a fault. A big fault. But you take it on the chin and move on, nursing your pain inside and maintaining your armor...until the next dame walks in. Or possibly the same dame, and of all the gin joints in all the world, it had to be yours. Co-stars include Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall, hot chicks with problems.

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test

Evolutionary Perspective

CHESTER, England - In an evolutionary twist, Flora the Komodo dragon has managed to become pregnant all on her own without any male help. She is carrying seven baby Komodo dragons.

"We were blown away when we realized what she'd done," said Kevin Buley, a reptile expert at Flora's home at the Chester Zoo.

Other reptile species reproduce asexually in a process known as parthenogenesis. But Flora's virginal conception is the second documented in a Komodo dragon.

The reptiles, renowned for their intelligence, are native to Indonesia. They are the world's largest lizards and have no natural predators - making them on par with sharks and lions at the pinnacle of the animal kingdom.

Parthenogenesis is a process in which eggs become embryos without male fertilization. It has been seen in about 70 species, including snakes and lizards. Scientists are unsure whether female Komodo dragons have always had this latent ability to reproduce or if this is a new evolutionary development.

At 8 years old, Flora - whom Buley describes as "demure" - is sexually mature. Having been raised in captivity, she has never been exposed to a male Komodo dragon.

Flora's keepers first became suspicious in May, when she laid 25 eggs.

Though it's not uncommon for female dragons to lay eggs without mating, such eggs are not usually fertilized. As a precaution, they were placed in an incubator. About half of Flora's eggs looked like real eggs - they were very white and had solid shells.

When three of them collapsed, scientists took a closer look.

"We saw blood vessels and a small embryo," said Buley, "And we knew immediately that Flora had fertilized the eggs herself."

They then sent the collapsed eggs, along with tissue samples from Flora and a male Komodo dragon to a laboratory that conducted genetic testing to determine the eggs' parentage. Results showed that although the baby Komodo dragons are not exact Flora clones, their DNA could not have come from any other dragon.

"Komodo dragons seem to be able to switch ways of reproducing to deal with a shortage of suitable boyfriends,". In contrast, other lizard species that reproduce asexually cannot mate normally.

That might give Komodos a distinct survival edge. Only about 4,000 dragons remain in the wild, of which 1,000 are female.

"If female dragons can on occasion help out by virgin births, more power to them. Komodo dragons are the ultimate survivors. This is just another way this species can adapt to its surroundings."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- O.K. Nessie, I guess it's about time for another evolutionary upheaval.

And the human race thinks it's so invulnerable.

"Jurrasic Park" anyone?

The Way I See It #14

Of course, everyone knows the engineering department can't read...

Thank God...

Tinky Winky says, "Bye-bye"

Satan has finally come to claim his first born son.

Burn in hell you homophobic, self-righteous son of a bitch.

Can we all just get along now?

The Way I See It #13

Just look at that fuzzy little bear, it looks like a whore.

The clock winding down, quickly.

I was sitting in the sauna at my gym today, when a man, about 55-60 years old, with a huge gut entered the room completely out of breath. He sat down next to a woman I can only assume was his wife, and panted for about another 5 minutes. She asked him what he had been doing. He replied that he was doing laps in the pool, doing every lap on one breath. She said “Are you trying to kill yourself?”. To which he replied, “If I can’t do one lap on a single breath, then I’ll just take a stim.“.

“Stim” meaning stimulant.

Great idea! Take a stimulant, which is only going to increase your heart rate, and thus increase your oxygen consumption, making it even HARDER to make that lap. You’ll pass out, or have a coronary, before you even get halfway across the pool. Not only that, but you need to lose about 90 pounds before you even attempt anything harder than a treadmill.

And people wonder why heart attacks are the number one killer of middle-aged male Americans.

Welcome To 2007...Continued

Earlier I posted on how thrilled I am that my current employer decided they no longer require my services. Their reason? Well, none. But they did hire a guy named Eric to replace me. I saw his audition. It was quite good. He sang a song from "Jesus Christ Superstar", which needless to say was not in the style of the show he was auditioning for at all. I doubted they would hire him. Way too ethnic looking, too much of an R&B sound. But they did hire him, and I was fired.

Then Eric failed his pre-employment drug test.

Seems this company can't replace me without finding the WORST choice possible.

So, now scrambling to find a replacement for my replacement, management decides to hire a guy named Paul from New York. Just so happens that one of the female singers in the show has worked with him before. He played Ali Hakim in "Oklahoma" with her. In case you don't know Oklahoma, that role barely sings and doesn't dance at all. Now, the clueless management of my current production has a horrible habit of hiring male singers who don't know their right foot from their left, so I ask this girl, "How good is this guy? Can he dance at all?" To which she replies, "Well, he's not that much of a dancer. Actually acting is more his forte."

Great. An actor. Hired for a singing/dancing role.

And this is my replacement?

Way to go you dumb fucks.

Master Of His Universe

"One", he thought. Simply one more time should be sufficient.

Gathering a mighty breath, he summoned the last of his energy. His enemies all lay nearly unconscious before him, gasping for air, already overpowered by the sheer magnitude of his unearthly strength. But this last effort was so intense he almost made himself pass out.

Perhaps this one would be different, perhaps it would not be so overpowering. Concentrating, he pushed once more with all his might. Then, with a mighty "BBBRRRAAPP!!", the unthinkable happened again...

Yup, broccoli.

Welcome To 2007...Now Kiss My Ass

On the 3rd of January my girlfriend broke up with me. She complained that we don't get to see each other enough. That she only saw me "on the weekend". Funny thing is she works the same 2 jobs as I do, and on an almost identical schedule.

5 days later, the incredibly intelligent, well-thought out, and without-a-fucking-clue management of this piece of shit I call a job have decided they no longer need my services.

They've pulled this bullshit on me before, back in 2002, and I bit the bullet. I took a demotion, and stayed with them for another year for less money and more work.

It is truly unbelievable just how clueless these people are. The last time they pulled this crap, the guy that they hired to replace me was so talentless, that they asked if I could perform my old part (for less pay) for the first month of the contract, because the idiot they hired to replace me was utterly clueless and needed another month of rehearsal.

This show only gets 3 weeks of rehearsal. This guy needed 7. And that's my replacement???

I can sing any role, swing any spot, reverse any choreography...and all on a single moments notice.

Well fuck you, you god-damn, piece of shit, mother fucking, asshole, fuckwad, son of a cocksucker, take it up the ass, egomanical, self-centered bitches. You'd have no idea how to discern "talented" from William Hung even if someone handed you "Casting For Dummies". Some of the most recent singers you've fired (that you claimed were not talented enough to grace your stage) can be seen on national television in the new reality show "Grease - You're The One That I Want", and another is currently understudying the role of Ulla in "The Producers" on Broadway.

You fucking morons.

I've given you over 5 1/2 of the best years of my life, and you STILL treat my like shit.

May you all die, and your putrid corpses be slowly devoured by the lowest life forms on earth.

I guess there is one upside to all of this...if you start out the year with this much crap, the only way to go is up.

At least you hope so.