"Good Afternoon! Welcome to the Bank of Sadistic Assholes! My name is Satan. How can I fuck you over today?"

I hate banks.

I almost closed my account today. Perhaps I still may...the jury's out on that one.

Unbeknownst to me, my checking account evidently became, well, $0, after I had to lay down $237.00 to repair my car a couple of weeks ago. It wouldn't start after I got off work.

...that's not including the towing fee.

...and the car still doesn't run right.

I drove it off the repair lot, down the street, took a left turn and got on the entrance to the freeway. Halfway down the ramp, the car bucked and the check engine light came on...again.

I hadn't even driven the car 3 miles yet. But that's only the beginning of the problem.

When I picked up the car, I tried to pay for it with my Visa credit card...it was denied.

Left with no other choice, I put the car repairs on my debit card...as in the money is taken directly out of my checking account.

A couple of days later I rent a DVD from one of those "Red Boxes" you see at the grocery store. I've rented from this particular machine many times before and it automatically enters my banking information. The daily fee for a rental? $1.09.

Let me say that again for those of you that missed it...$1.09

This sets into motion a series of events only Satan would find funny. This $1.09 charge makes my checking account negative. The bank starts ringing up the overdraft charges. No phone calls. No e-mails. No text messages. Nothing. When all is said and done, the bank has rung up over $218.00 in fees.

The grand total of EVERYTHING I actually spent? $22.

4 of the 6 "penalty fees" are for $1 video rentals. The other 2 are for $11 and $7.

Let's see, that a mark-up of...

Umm...

Give me a second here...

Let me do the math...

Wait, I've almost got it...

1,000 PERCENT??? Just where, pray tell, do you ASSHOLES think all this money is going to come from IF THERE ISN'T ANY MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

...and just because misery LOVES company, how many hours am I scheduled to work this week?

...17.

...and the rent is due.

"Fatal Attraction"

So...

Today was my first day back in banquets.

Halfway through my shift I run into the Front Office manager, Jenny. She mutters "There's the traitor!" under her breath and passes me by.

Later in the shift, Amelia, the alcoholic who was arrested and thrown in jail, who I was called in to work for on my day off, comes walking into the main ballroom where I'm vacuuming the floor.

It's a HUGE ballroom. There's A LOT of floor.

She just sits there for her ENTIRE LUNCH BREAK,

...and watches,

...and watches,

...and watches.

Never says a thing.

Just watches me vacuum the floor.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU PSYCHO FUCKING BITCHES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU???

You treat me like a demented, diseased FREAK the entire time I work with you at the Front Desk, but now that I'm gone you're all going "Fatal Attraction" on me?

WHAT THE FUCK ???

I'm hiding the rabbit.

Get a life Glenn Close.

Amy visits Sacramento

...and as you can plainly see, we had absolutely NO FUN!!!

Oxymoron Day

I needed to go PetCo after work this afternoon to get some "food" for Apophis, my corn snake. He eats frozen fetal rats called "Pinkies". So I headed to the "refrigerated section" of the pet store and quickly find what I'm looking for. A small bag containing 3 frozen fetal rats.

The name on the bag?

"Gourmet Rodent".

Now that I've worked up an appetite from buying frozen, dead, baby rats I head next door to a buffet style restaurant. The waiters are all dressed in Hawaiian shirts. There are huge paintings on all of the walls depicting tropical island scenes and whales. Fake palm trees and coconuts abound. You half expect the waitresses to be running around in grass skirts while serving you poi and freshly squeezed pineapple juice.

The name of the restaurant?

"Luau Garden Chinese Buffet".

Like I said.

Oxymoron Day.

Tick...tick...tick...

Okay, it's official. On the advice of someone dear to me (you know who you are), I've decided that the grief associated with the "prestige" of working at the Front Desk ain't worth the freakin' headache.

My official last day is this Wednesday at 11:15 PM.

Not that I'm counting...

...and not a moment too soon.

I am transferring back to the Banquets Department. It's not glamorous work. Not by a long shot. I move tables and chairs all day. Vacuum the floors. It's meaningless work, but I'm on my own almost the entire shift and no one is looking over my shoulder telling me that I'm doing it wrong.

I actually had one of the girls at the Front Desk correct me as I was restocking the rubberbands this morning. She turned to me and said, "You're doing that wrong."

THEY'RE FUCKING RUBBERBANDS YOU COW!!!!!

Pray tell, HOW am I doing it wrong???

Go on Jenny Craig and lose that GIGANTIC FAT ASS of yours, you stuck up bitch.

Rubber fuckin' bands...

Believe it or not, he's actually gotten BIGGER!!!

"Now eat all of your dead, frozen mice and you'll grow up big and strong!"

I hate my job.

No, seriously...

I FUCKING HATE MY MOTHER FUCKING, FUCKED UP, FUCK YOU UP THE ASS WITH A FUCKING POLE, FUCKING FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!

If I didn't have bills to pay I would walk.

I probably will.

I'm working in a hyenas den of snarling bitches out to fuck you over because they got their poor little feelings hurt in their last relationship when the guy finally wised up and dumped their sorry ass.

It's like going to work every day in a coven of witches...and they DO NOT want you around!!!

Well that, and "Witches" begins with a "B".

I fucking hate them.

Fucking hive of man-haters.

The SECOND I can find ANYTHING else, I am so FUCKING out of there!!!!!!

I don't care what job it is, as long as it's not there.

You fucking cunts.

I fucking hate you.

Every one of you.

You fucking sit around in your fucking girls club because nobody else WANTS to fucking play with you, you wretched fucking pack of fucking she-wolves.

I actually had one of the girls turn to me yesterday just as I got to work and say, "Don't talk to me."

Fuck you, you miserable fucking cuntbag wretched bitch fuck!

This is the same girl who I got called in to work for last week, at 8 AM, on my day off, because she'd been arrested by the police for being drunk and disorderly, hauled downtown and thrown in the tank.

Crawl back into your fucking miserable shit hole of a life and fucking stay there you fucking cunt!

Let me say it REAL slow, so your feeble minds can grasp what I'm telling you...

FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!

It's no wonder all you fucking bitches are single! You can't get a man? WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO FUCK YOUR SORRY ASS??????????

The most fucked up part of this whole thing? I left a good job tending bar and another working banquets at this hotel to work at the mother fucking front desk.

The Banquets Manager said that she was, and I quote, "losing one of her best people".

I'm seriously considering not even showing up to work for my next shift. I don't fucking care about the god damn consequences anymore.

Either that, or someone is going to fucking die.

First thing tomorrow morning, I'm hitting the pavement and looking for a new job.