"WHAT?!? The road's closed? Well, shit...I mean, DAMN!!"
Monday, February 20, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Crappy Valentine's Day
Who invented this stupid holiday anyway? Hallmark? Russell Stover? Tiffany's? Or perhaps all the florists of the world got together and created it. In any case, this has to be the stupidest idea for making me spend more money I don't have. Guys seem to know this...girls do not. A guy could let this day pass by and probably wouldn't even notice...or give a damn. But WOE TO HIM if he were to forget to lavishly adore his loving wife/girlfriend. Look babe, I just bought you a pair of diamond stud earrings 6 weeks ago for Christmas. Why is it women give a shit about this "holiday"? Why can't they see through it's insincerity like the cellophane on the box of chocolates you're doomed to shop for. On this one day of the year, men are pressured to feel all lovey-dovey and express it in no uncertain terms. Excuse me, but isn't love a bit more unscheduled? Isn't love a bit more spontaneous? No, I'm sorry you have to feel totally, unabashedly in love with her TODAY.
Then of course there's the single person, and there are just a few of us out there, who get this opportunity once a year to feel completely left out by this fabricated holiday. Don't have a sweetheart? Well what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Geez, you must be some kind of complete loser not to be in a relationship. Go home and sit in front of your T.V. alone and drown yourself in a quart of Ben and Jerry's. You're a freak, you don't belong, and as though you don't feel lonely enough, here it is to rub it in your face all over again...
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Then of course there's the single person, and there are just a few of us out there, who get this opportunity once a year to feel completely left out by this fabricated holiday. Don't have a sweetheart? Well what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Geez, you must be some kind of complete loser not to be in a relationship. Go home and sit in front of your T.V. alone and drown yourself in a quart of Ben and Jerry's. You're a freak, you don't belong, and as though you don't feel lonely enough, here it is to rub it in your face all over again...
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Great Equalizer
"Can you take a picture for me?"
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
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