Eeewwwwww...
Friday, December 29, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
In The News
And the winner for the least amount of Christmas spirit goes to...
"Every holiday season for 25 years there were Christmas trees at the airport serving Seattle. But one complaint, accompanied by the threat of legal action, was enough to get them removed.
Officials at Sea-Tac Airport said a rabbi with the Central Organization for Jewish Learning calls them offensive. He hired a lawyer and threatened to sue, demanding the airport put up an eight-foot menorah to balance the message of the Christmas trees.
An airport spokeswoman said the two sides couldn't reach an agreement before the suit was to be filed. All 15 trees were removed."
What the report doesn't say is that after this story broke, the rabbi received so many letters complaining about his obvious lack of anything even vaguely resembling a soul, that he dropped his frivolous lawsuit. The airport put the Christmas trees back up where they belong.
We win asshole.
A lesson to all you idiots out there...
Don't fuck with Christmas.
"Every holiday season for 25 years there were Christmas trees at the airport serving Seattle. But one complaint, accompanied by the threat of legal action, was enough to get them removed.
Officials at Sea-Tac Airport said a rabbi with the Central Organization for Jewish Learning calls them offensive. He hired a lawyer and threatened to sue, demanding the airport put up an eight-foot menorah to balance the message of the Christmas trees.
An airport spokeswoman said the two sides couldn't reach an agreement before the suit was to be filed. All 15 trees were removed."
What the report doesn't say is that after this story broke, the rabbi received so many letters complaining about his obvious lack of anything even vaguely resembling a soul, that he dropped his frivolous lawsuit. The airport put the Christmas trees back up where they belong.
We win asshole.
A lesson to all you idiots out there...
Don't fuck with Christmas.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Pride and prejudice
You know what this country needs a lot less of?
Pride. Especially "Black Pride". It's good to be proud of who you are. It's quite another to think that your shit don't stink and to make sure that EVERYONE knows it. I actually had a black girl snap her fingers at me and demanded to know what time it was. Do you know what would happen if I'd called her on it? Or worse yet if I snapped my fingers back at her? There'd be hell to pay. When I walk down the street, 90% of the time if someone moves out of another person's way it's usually me. The other person is usually black, quite often female. They make absolutely no effort to be courteous, they just barrel on through like they own the sidewalk...and God forbid if you should actually bump into them. You'll get a rant on how the white man has oppressed "my people". Hey, dumbass, I'm not a slave owner, O.K.? My family hasn't had anything to do with that in multiple generations, if at all. But I'm not allowed to say anything, I just have to sit there and take it. As a white male I'm not allowed to speak up for myself. Minorities have not only taken to speaking up about it, they take you to court for it. Either that or you get a tirade about "the white man". White men have become the brunt of everyone's anger. Blacks. Hispanics. Women. I realize that in the past it has been mostly white men in power, but is that what you're "pride" is all about? "You did it to us, so now we're going to do it to you." What is this, Kindergarten? When did I personally ever do anything to you? Do I deserve lifelong punishment for something someone did 150 years ago?
I'm not white, I'm light tan. Do I get offended or upset if someone calls me white? No. So what's wrong with calling you black? Would you prefer I call you dark brown? And yes, descriptive words like these are needed in life. It would be like taking offense to being called blonde or brunette. It's simply the color of your hair. Nothing more, nothing less. I do not judge you by the color of your skin. I judge you by your actions.
But this trend doesn't end with just whites, many blacks seem to be at war with each other. A black teenage boy was killed in Brooklyn by another black teen for his I-Pod. He was stabbed to death, multiple times. You constantly hear of gang activity in areas like Harlem and Compton. Black against black. East coast versus West coast. Killing each other over nothing. Deifying rap stars who are little more than thugs, and even call themselves thugs. Tupak Shakur has been raised to the status of a Christ figure. Why? These highly regarded figures record albums that tout how they like to smack their bitches around, or how they're "gonna pop a cap in your head" if you look at them sideways. Albums with titles like "Cop Killer". These pussies are probably about as tough as a newborn kitten.
Martin Luther King hoped his children would "live in an nation where they are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character". What do you think Dr. King would think about that "character" if he were alive today? I think he would be appalled and disgusted. He wanted equality. He wanted racial harmony. He wanted understanding. What is happening in the world today is not what he gave his life for.
Pride. Especially "Black Pride". It's good to be proud of who you are. It's quite another to think that your shit don't stink and to make sure that EVERYONE knows it. I actually had a black girl snap her fingers at me and demanded to know what time it was. Do you know what would happen if I'd called her on it? Or worse yet if I snapped my fingers back at her? There'd be hell to pay. When I walk down the street, 90% of the time if someone moves out of another person's way it's usually me. The other person is usually black, quite often female. They make absolutely no effort to be courteous, they just barrel on through like they own the sidewalk...and God forbid if you should actually bump into them. You'll get a rant on how the white man has oppressed "my people". Hey, dumbass, I'm not a slave owner, O.K.? My family hasn't had anything to do with that in multiple generations, if at all. But I'm not allowed to say anything, I just have to sit there and take it. As a white male I'm not allowed to speak up for myself. Minorities have not only taken to speaking up about it, they take you to court for it. Either that or you get a tirade about "the white man". White men have become the brunt of everyone's anger. Blacks. Hispanics. Women. I realize that in the past it has been mostly white men in power, but is that what you're "pride" is all about? "You did it to us, so now we're going to do it to you." What is this, Kindergarten? When did I personally ever do anything to you? Do I deserve lifelong punishment for something someone did 150 years ago?
I'm not white, I'm light tan. Do I get offended or upset if someone calls me white? No. So what's wrong with calling you black? Would you prefer I call you dark brown? And yes, descriptive words like these are needed in life. It would be like taking offense to being called blonde or brunette. It's simply the color of your hair. Nothing more, nothing less. I do not judge you by the color of your skin. I judge you by your actions.
But this trend doesn't end with just whites, many blacks seem to be at war with each other. A black teenage boy was killed in Brooklyn by another black teen for his I-Pod. He was stabbed to death, multiple times. You constantly hear of gang activity in areas like Harlem and Compton. Black against black. East coast versus West coast. Killing each other over nothing. Deifying rap stars who are little more than thugs, and even call themselves thugs. Tupak Shakur has been raised to the status of a Christ figure. Why? These highly regarded figures record albums that tout how they like to smack their bitches around, or how they're "gonna pop a cap in your head" if you look at them sideways. Albums with titles like "Cop Killer". These pussies are probably about as tough as a newborn kitten.
Martin Luther King hoped his children would "live in an nation where they are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character". What do you think Dr. King would think about that "character" if he were alive today? I think he would be appalled and disgusted. He wanted equality. He wanted racial harmony. He wanted understanding. What is happening in the world today is not what he gave his life for.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Cause For Celebration?
This is from an e-mail I received from the CPDSA, an organization I used to skate with in New York City. Keep in mind that the parade runs from 111th street up to 142nd, right through the middle of Harlem...
"Here we are in 2006, our 3rd year in the AFRICAN AMERICAN DAY PARADE. We will have a Float to house a state of the art sound system and signs with our logo prominently displayed.
Sunday, September 17, 2006 - 4:00 PM. The meet is at: 113th street on the West Side of Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Blvd.
Leave valuables at home."
"Here we are in 2006, our 3rd year in the AFRICAN AMERICAN DAY PARADE. We will have a Float to house a state of the art sound system and signs with our logo prominently displayed.
Sunday, September 17, 2006 - 4:00 PM. The meet is at: 113th street on the West Side of Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Blvd.
Leave valuables at home."
Friday, September 08, 2006
Cirque du Mass Produced Crap
This has officially reached the point of ridiculous...
"CKX, Inc., its subsidiary Elvis Presley Enterprises and Cirque du Soleil have reached an agreement with MGM MIRAGE to create a permanent Elvis Presley show at the CityCenter hotel/casino, under construction in Las Vegas. The show is expected to open with the hotel in November 2009."
O.K., let's all count shall we? There's "Mystere" at Treasure Island (or the T.I.), "O" at the Bellagio, "Zumanity" at New York, New York, "Ka" at the MGM, and the new, downright sacrilegious "Love" at the Mirage, based on the music of the Beatles. Add to that the touring production of "Delirium" now in town, plus this new Elvis-based show. And if you want to expand your thinking, both Celine Dion's, "A New Day" at Caesar's and "Le Reve" at the Wynn were conceived by Dragone, also from Cirque. Does this town really need NINE Cirque du Soleil shows?
I guess all showgirl memorabilia will soon be replaced by cracked-out, 21st century clowns...
"CKX, Inc., its subsidiary Elvis Presley Enterprises and Cirque du Soleil have reached an agreement with MGM MIRAGE to create a permanent Elvis Presley show at the CityCenter hotel/casino, under construction in Las Vegas. The show is expected to open with the hotel in November 2009."
O.K., let's all count shall we? There's "Mystere" at Treasure Island (or the T.I.), "O" at the Bellagio, "Zumanity" at New York, New York, "Ka" at the MGM, and the new, downright sacrilegious "Love" at the Mirage, based on the music of the Beatles. Add to that the touring production of "Delirium" now in town, plus this new Elvis-based show. And if you want to expand your thinking, both Celine Dion's, "A New Day" at Caesar's and "Le Reve" at the Wynn were conceived by Dragone, also from Cirque. Does this town really need NINE Cirque du Soleil shows?
I guess all showgirl memorabilia will soon be replaced by cracked-out, 21st century clowns...
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Megadeth
I work with a girl named Meredith. She's from Alabama, or "Bama" as she calls it. The girl is the definition of poor white trash, with a deep southern drawl...and a forked tongue. She bitches about everything. So much so that the girls who sit next to her have all requested to be moved to the other side of the room. She relentlessly teases the girl I'm seeing. No, scratch that, she outright hates her, and she's turned her Medusa head toward me because of it. At a recent work party she called my name, and when I turned she threw a football straight at my face. We make jokes about her and have given her names like "Megadeth", or D.B. for "dirty bitch" or "droopy boobs". To say that I don't like this girl is an understatement. I distance myself from her whenever I can and avoid eye contact like the plague.
Meredith died this week. She was only 25.
This has become one of the more puzzling inner struggles I've ever had to deal with. How do you feel when the school bully dies? Am I sad that she died? Yes. Am I glad that I don't have to deal with her abrasive personality anymore? Also yes. Does this make me a bad person? Of course not. Then why do I feel like one? She wasn't evil. And she wasn't a bad person. She had friends. She made people laugh. Something went wrong somewhere and now it's too late to find out what. A group of us were talking about her the other night, discussing what a complete and utter B-I-T-C-H she could be. Right at that moment she was probably taking her last breath.
Perhaps I was too narrow-minded. Perhaps I could have met her half way. Perhaps I just gave up and never gave her a chance. Perhaps I withdrew into my own little world and decided I was just going to hate her, no matter what. Perhaps she brought all this on herself, but does that mean I couldn't at least try to see her side? It may have all been a simple misunderstanding. Something that could have been easily remedied by merely talking to each other. I'll never know.
Once a person is gone, you don't get the chance to make it right.
Meredith died this week. She was only 25.
This has become one of the more puzzling inner struggles I've ever had to deal with. How do you feel when the school bully dies? Am I sad that she died? Yes. Am I glad that I don't have to deal with her abrasive personality anymore? Also yes. Does this make me a bad person? Of course not. Then why do I feel like one? She wasn't evil. And she wasn't a bad person. She had friends. She made people laugh. Something went wrong somewhere and now it's too late to find out what. A group of us were talking about her the other night, discussing what a complete and utter B-I-T-C-H she could be. Right at that moment she was probably taking her last breath.
Perhaps I was too narrow-minded. Perhaps I could have met her half way. Perhaps I just gave up and never gave her a chance. Perhaps I withdrew into my own little world and decided I was just going to hate her, no matter what. Perhaps she brought all this on herself, but does that mean I couldn't at least try to see her side? It may have all been a simple misunderstanding. Something that could have been easily remedied by merely talking to each other. I'll never know.
Once a person is gone, you don't get the chance to make it right.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Headline of the week
Friday, July 28, 2006
I just love old people
One unremarkable afternoon I'm at the gym when I see this elderly woman on one of the treadmills trying to get it started. She sees me, motions me over and says rather harshly, "Excuse me, young man. How do you get this thing start?". Now it's a new model of treadmill and I've never used this particular one before, so I take a look at it and see "Touch here to start" displayed brazenly across the screen. The rest of the conversation went something like this:
"Okay, just touch the screen right here", I press the button.
"Oh, now how do you get it to speed up?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Speed' with the up and down arrows."
"Okay, now how do you increase the incline?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Incline' with the up and down arrows."
"You know I just spent 15 minutes on that other treadmill over there trying to get it to go, and nothing happened." She points the culprit out to me.
"I'll go check it out for you."
So I walk over to the demon treadmill, but before I even get close I can see what the problem is...the screen is completely blank. There's no power. So I look to the side of the machine and yup, it's not plugged in. I plug it back in and it comes to life with a "Beep".
I head back over to Granny.
"The problem was that the treadmill wasn't plugged in."
"Oh. Now where do I plug in my headphones?"
"See the little headphone symbol next to that plug?"
"Oh, okay. Now how do I change the TV channel on the screen?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Channel' with the up and down arrows."
"Uh huh. Okay, now how do I turn up the volume?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Volume' with the up and down arrows."
...I just love old people.
"Okay, just touch the screen right here", I press the button.
"Oh, now how do you get it to speed up?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Speed' with the up and down arrows."
"Okay, now how do you increase the incline?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Incline' with the up and down arrows."
"You know I just spent 15 minutes on that other treadmill over there trying to get it to go, and nothing happened." She points the culprit out to me.
"I'll go check it out for you."
So I walk over to the demon treadmill, but before I even get close I can see what the problem is...the screen is completely blank. There's no power. So I look to the side of the machine and yup, it's not plugged in. I plug it back in and it comes to life with a "Beep".
I head back over to Granny.
"The problem was that the treadmill wasn't plugged in."
"Oh. Now where do I plug in my headphones?"
"See the little headphone symbol next to that plug?"
"Oh, okay. Now how do I change the TV channel on the screen?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Channel' with the up and down arrows."
"Uh huh. Okay, now how do I turn up the volume?"
"Just push right here where it says 'Volume' with the up and down arrows."
...I just love old people.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Do What Tastes Right
Scene: Two young men standing in an indescript garage, each holding a cup of frozen yogurt.
Young man #1 - "This stuff's awesome."
Young man #2 - "It's pretty tasty all right."
"But do you know what's really amazing? It's not a solid or a liquid. That can mean only one thing...it's a 'squid'!"
"A squid? You mean like calamari?"
"And you know what else? This utensil isn't a spoon or a fork. That must mean it's a 'spork'!"
"Dude, we already have sporks. We ate lunch with them in our high school cafeteria, remember?"
"This could be the beginning of something huge! It could change everything for us! We'll be famous!"
". . . . .you're an idiot."
Young man #1 - "This stuff's awesome."
Young man #2 - "It's pretty tasty all right."
"But do you know what's really amazing? It's not a solid or a liquid. That can mean only one thing...it's a 'squid'!"
"A squid? You mean like calamari?"
"And you know what else? This utensil isn't a spoon or a fork. That must mean it's a 'spork'!"
"Dude, we already have sporks. We ate lunch with them in our high school cafeteria, remember?"
"This could be the beginning of something huge! It could change everything for us! We'll be famous!"
". . . . .you're an idiot."
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Super-size me
Earlier I posted on how America has become the Land of the free ride, home of the slovenly. In case you needed further proof, the standard sizes for child safety seats is being reviewed. Our fat children don't fit in them anymore. Below are some excerpts from an article in the Los Angeles Times:
"A 2004 study found that it would be tough or impossible to find an appropriate child safety seat for more than 283,000 of U.S. children ages 1 to 6 because of the combination of their age and weight.
"Many parents leave their heavy children in seats in which they exceed the maximum weight. What we know about car seat testing is that the seats are not tested above the weight ranges."
It's anybody's guess, she says, how well a seat would protect a child who is too heavy.
She acknowledges that the ultimate solution is to address the childhood obesity problem.
Since the completion of her study, two new car seats for heavier children have been introduced."
"A 2004 study found that it would be tough or impossible to find an appropriate child safety seat for more than 283,000 of U.S. children ages 1 to 6 because of the combination of their age and weight.
"Many parents leave their heavy children in seats in which they exceed the maximum weight. What we know about car seat testing is that the seats are not tested above the weight ranges."
It's anybody's guess, she says, how well a seat would protect a child who is too heavy.
She acknowledges that the ultimate solution is to address the childhood obesity problem.
Since the completion of her study, two new car seats for heavier children have been introduced."
Sunday, May 07, 2006
The next "Wonder Woman"?
Joss Whedon, creator of the forgetful TV series "Firefly", and it's doomed spinoff film "Serenity", is currently working on the script for a new, big screen production of "Wonder Woman" and hopes to go into production by the end of the year. While in my opinion no one can ever replace Linda Carter as the lasso-wielding supervixen (see photo above), several names are being tossed around...
1) Charlize Theron: If her recent attempt in "Aeon Flux" is any indication, she's no action hero.
2) Kate Bosworth: She just wrapped up filming on the new "Superman" movie. You're not allowed to play Lois Lane AND Wonder Woman.
3) Catherine Zeta Jones: While she does have the curves and the exotic look, aren't we sick of her already?
4) Rebecca Romijn: Mystique, yes. Wonder Woman, no.
5) Natalie Portman: Don't you have to have boobs to play Wonder Woman?
6) Jennifer Love Hewitt: She definitely has the boobs thing down, but can you imagine this frail little girl kicking butt?
7) Ashley Judd: Again, too girly to kick butt.
8) Lucy Lawless: Tall, buxom, and as we all know from her days on "Xena", she knows how to fight. She would have been my first choice...15 years ago.
9) Lindsey Lohan: There's not enough space on this blog to discuss how many reasons this would be wrong.
10) Beyonce Knowles: Please. Dear God. No.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Way I See It #8
Ah, just what the doctor ordered at Mardi Gras:
Which of course is closely followed by:
Which of course is closely followed by:
Thursday, April 20, 2006
E.T. needs to get a life
No, I'm not talking about the cute, bald alien with the glowing digit from Steven Spielberg's classic blockbuster, I'm talking about "Entertainment Tonight". Just one of the many annoying celebrity stalking paparazzi programs that seem to always be on TV.
"Angelina Jolie was spotted in Paris today shopping for clothes for the baby Pitt. We have an exclusive look at some of the baby clothes she may have purchased." Okay, I don't care what she actually did purchase, much less what she may have purchased. Nor do I care what Brad Pitt ate for lunch while she was out shopping.
But the thing that drives bamboo chutes under my fingernails is the cutesy-pie, sugar-coated nicknames they give to celebrity couples by combining each of their names. You know what I'm talking about, "Brangelina", "Bennifer", "Vaughniston", "Tomkat"...and as though that wasn't bad enough, now that Katie Holmes has given birth, they are referring to the baby as the "Tomkitten".
Excuse me while I go barf.
"Angelina Jolie was spotted in Paris today shopping for clothes for the baby Pitt. We have an exclusive look at some of the baby clothes she may have purchased." Okay, I don't care what she actually did purchase, much less what she may have purchased. Nor do I care what Brad Pitt ate for lunch while she was out shopping.
But the thing that drives bamboo chutes under my fingernails is the cutesy-pie, sugar-coated nicknames they give to celebrity couples by combining each of their names. You know what I'm talking about, "Brangelina", "Bennifer", "Vaughniston", "Tomkat"...and as though that wasn't bad enough, now that Katie Holmes has given birth, they are referring to the baby as the "Tomkitten".
Excuse me while I go barf.
Friday, April 07, 2006
"What did I do with the _____?"
I have a hair dryer. My hair is short and I don't find very many occasions to use it. After I take a shower I usually just throw some gel in my hair and let it air dry. That hair dryer will sit on my bathroom countertop unplugged for months, mocking me every day with it's clutter-ness, until finally I'm forced to put it away underneath the sink. Without fail, the very next morning I will have need of a hair dryer...
Life is like that. The second you put something away, no matter how long it's been since the last time you used it, you will need it.
The pair of scissors that sit on your kitchen countertop unused for ages, until you finally put them away in a drawer. An hour later, you need a pair of scissors.
The sweater that you kept out well into the spring months, until you finally put it away with the rest of your winter storage. The very next day a cold snap hits.
The Scotch tape that you thought wasn't important enough to move with you to your new house, so you threw it out. As soon as you're settled, you realize you have a hundred uses for Scotch tape.
The lone, blank video cassette that sits on top of your VCR forever, until a friend asks if he can use it. The very next day there is something on TV you want to record.
The Halloween costume that went unworn for years, until you finally got so tired of looking at it that you gave it to the Salvation Army. The very next Halloween, you think "Oh crap! That costume would have been perfect this year!".
And people wonder why I always have stuff lying around my apartment.
Life is like that. The second you put something away, no matter how long it's been since the last time you used it, you will need it.
The pair of scissors that sit on your kitchen countertop unused for ages, until you finally put them away in a drawer. An hour later, you need a pair of scissors.
The sweater that you kept out well into the spring months, until you finally put it away with the rest of your winter storage. The very next day a cold snap hits.
The Scotch tape that you thought wasn't important enough to move with you to your new house, so you threw it out. As soon as you're settled, you realize you have a hundred uses for Scotch tape.
The lone, blank video cassette that sits on top of your VCR forever, until a friend asks if he can use it. The very next day there is something on TV you want to record.
The Halloween costume that went unworn for years, until you finally got so tired of looking at it that you gave it to the Salvation Army. The very next Halloween, you think "Oh crap! That costume would have been perfect this year!".
And people wonder why I always have stuff lying around my apartment.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Corporate America Can Kiss My A**
I know you've heard about them, these corporate "buzz sessions" that are supposed to bring "a sense of unity"...corporate retreats to a happy little campground or bonding exercises to make the employees feel like one big, happy family. Starting this week at my job, at the beginning of every shift, they are requiring us to all meet together in a group and say the following out loud, with energy...twice.
1,2,3,4,5,6, Smile!
2,2,3,4,5,6, Smile!
Smile to the right!
Smile to the left!
Smile all around!
Get rid of that frown!
I wish I was kidding. I really do...but I'm not. It's beyond ridiculous, especially in my line of work, where it's beyond pointless. We smile for a living you idiots, that's what you're paying us to do. It's meant to bring up morale, but since it's implementation I find it has had the exact opposite effect. It all started following a huge corporate take-over. The quality of food in the employee cafeteria has gone severely downhill. They've changed our pay schedule twice. Our paychecks haven't been correct in months...I'm still waiting to be reimbursed for hours I wasn't paid back in the beginning of January. We have been over taxed on our paychecks since September and still are. They claim to be correcting the problem and say they will reimburse us soon...but c'mon, it's been 7 months. Morale is at an all-time low, and you can feel the heaviness in the air as you walk down the hallways. Why on earth would we want to "smile all around, get rid of that frown"?
The day after this bullshit was implemented, a notice was posted on the board for a meeting where employees could meet with the higher-ups and discuss any concerns or problems they might be having...
The notice was posted 6 hours after the meeting ended.
1,2,3,4,5,6, Smile!
2,2,3,4,5,6, Smile!
Smile to the right!
Smile to the left!
Smile all around!
Get rid of that frown!
I wish I was kidding. I really do...but I'm not. It's beyond ridiculous, especially in my line of work, where it's beyond pointless. We smile for a living you idiots, that's what you're paying us to do. It's meant to bring up morale, but since it's implementation I find it has had the exact opposite effect. It all started following a huge corporate take-over. The quality of food in the employee cafeteria has gone severely downhill. They've changed our pay schedule twice. Our paychecks haven't been correct in months...I'm still waiting to be reimbursed for hours I wasn't paid back in the beginning of January. We have been over taxed on our paychecks since September and still are. They claim to be correcting the problem and say they will reimburse us soon...but c'mon, it's been 7 months. Morale is at an all-time low, and you can feel the heaviness in the air as you walk down the hallways. Why on earth would we want to "smile all around, get rid of that frown"?
The day after this bullshit was implemented, a notice was posted on the board for a meeting where employees could meet with the higher-ups and discuss any concerns or problems they might be having...
The notice was posted 6 hours after the meeting ended.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Land of the free ride, home of the slovenly
It's a fact that the United States has the highest percentage of clinically obese people of any nation in the world. Do you know why? Because we are lazy. I mean really frickin' lazy...
I used to work out in a gym on the second floor of a building. I would watch people spend 45 minutes on the stairmaster and then take the elevator down one floor to the street. The stairs are right next to the elevator. These same people would then unwrap their energy bar and drop the wrapper on the ground on their way out. The trash can was 10 feet from the door.
I walk to work. I do it every day. It takes me 10 minutes. I have tried driving to work and it takes me 20 minutes with all the traffic. Walking is faster and I'm not paying for the extra gas. Yet people still look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that I walk to work.
When I was a child, my mother always used to cook us dinner. Always. Sometimes it was creamed dog barf on a stick, but she cooked for us. Nowadays most people either order in food or stop by the drive-thru on their way home from work. We had that growing up too, but it was a rare treat once every few months, not 3-4 times or more per week...and we drank milk with dinner, not soda.
I was just in the grocery store where some old, fat guy in one of those "personal scooters" took out an entire display, items rolling all over the floor. These scooters are everywhere, and I would venture a guess that less than 50% of the people who ride these things actually have a medical reason to. You know what? You wouldn't have as many problems with your knees if you lost the extra 250 pounds you're carrying around and actually walked once in a while.
Over the past 20 years or so, the number of frivolous lawsuits has become simply overwhelming. I mean hey, why actually work for a living when you can stick a dismembered finger in a cup of chili and sue a huge corporation for millions of dollars so you can spend the rest of your life sitting on the couch eating potato chips and getting fat? Either that or burn yourself with a cup of coffee and claim it was their fault for not informing you that your hot coffee was indeed actually hot.
Americans eat. I mean really eat. Our portion sizes are nearly twice that of Europe. All-you-can-eat buffets. "Hungry Man" dinners. Super-sizing. We eat, and eat, and pack on the pounds. Then you try to lose the weight. Do you go to the gym? No. Do you take daily walks? No. Do you take up Yoga? No. Do you order some magic diet pill that you saw on a late-night infomercial while sitting on the couch downing a half-gallon of Haagen-Dazs? YES!! Look people, magic pills don't exist. If you want to lose weight there's only one thing you can do, lower your caloric intake and get some exercise. You're going to have to get off your fat ass and actually do something. Period.
If we don't change our mindset as a nation, our children will face shorter life spans and unhealthier, unhappier lives. Turn off the TV. Unplug your kid's video game system. Go out and take a walk. Take the stairs. Exercise releases endorphines. Endorphines make you feel happy. Happy people live longer.
I used to work out in a gym on the second floor of a building. I would watch people spend 45 minutes on the stairmaster and then take the elevator down one floor to the street. The stairs are right next to the elevator. These same people would then unwrap their energy bar and drop the wrapper on the ground on their way out. The trash can was 10 feet from the door.
I walk to work. I do it every day. It takes me 10 minutes. I have tried driving to work and it takes me 20 minutes with all the traffic. Walking is faster and I'm not paying for the extra gas. Yet people still look at me like I have 3 heads when I tell them that I walk to work.
When I was a child, my mother always used to cook us dinner. Always. Sometimes it was creamed dog barf on a stick, but she cooked for us. Nowadays most people either order in food or stop by the drive-thru on their way home from work. We had that growing up too, but it was a rare treat once every few months, not 3-4 times or more per week...and we drank milk with dinner, not soda.
I was just in the grocery store where some old, fat guy in one of those "personal scooters" took out an entire display, items rolling all over the floor. These scooters are everywhere, and I would venture a guess that less than 50% of the people who ride these things actually have a medical reason to. You know what? You wouldn't have as many problems with your knees if you lost the extra 250 pounds you're carrying around and actually walked once in a while.
Over the past 20 years or so, the number of frivolous lawsuits has become simply overwhelming. I mean hey, why actually work for a living when you can stick a dismembered finger in a cup of chili and sue a huge corporation for millions of dollars so you can spend the rest of your life sitting on the couch eating potato chips and getting fat? Either that or burn yourself with a cup of coffee and claim it was their fault for not informing you that your hot coffee was indeed actually hot.
Americans eat. I mean really eat. Our portion sizes are nearly twice that of Europe. All-you-can-eat buffets. "Hungry Man" dinners. Super-sizing. We eat, and eat, and pack on the pounds. Then you try to lose the weight. Do you go to the gym? No. Do you take daily walks? No. Do you take up Yoga? No. Do you order some magic diet pill that you saw on a late-night infomercial while sitting on the couch downing a half-gallon of Haagen-Dazs? YES!! Look people, magic pills don't exist. If you want to lose weight there's only one thing you can do, lower your caloric intake and get some exercise. You're going to have to get off your fat ass and actually do something. Period.
If we don't change our mindset as a nation, our children will face shorter life spans and unhealthier, unhappier lives. Turn off the TV. Unplug your kid's video game system. Go out and take a walk. Take the stairs. Exercise releases endorphines. Endorphines make you feel happy. Happy people live longer.
Monday, March 06, 2006
So you think you're a sci-fi fan?
Think you know science fiction television? Test your knowledge of everything sci-fi with my newest quiz!
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Give me the good ol' days
When I was a child, I remember having a favorite TV show, or several. These shows had an unflinching schedule that you could rely on year after year. The season would start up around the same time as school, sometime in early September, perhaps take a small break around the holidays and then continue on until school let out again around early June. It was the same every year. You knew when summer hit that you would have to endure 3 months of episodes you'd already seen, but you were expecting it. The average season lasted about 26 episodes.
But not anymore.
TV execs have gotten so lazy these days that you don't know what to expect. Shows have their "season premiere" at just about any point during the calendar year. New shows are never given the chance to get off the ground, and mid-season replacements have become commonplace. "Seasons" sometimes last only a few episodes and then it goes into re-runs. Case in point: One of the shows I enjoy (which shall remain nameless) had it's "season premiere" on January 13th. Now this week (March 3rd) they are advertising the 2-part season finale. Wait just a freakin' minute, YOUR SEASON IS LESS THAN 2 MONTHS LONG??? What the hell is that? I don't feel like watching re-runs of the NINE episodes you aired for the next 6 months. What happened to the 26 episode season? Makes me not want to tune in at all...
But not anymore.
TV execs have gotten so lazy these days that you don't know what to expect. Shows have their "season premiere" at just about any point during the calendar year. New shows are never given the chance to get off the ground, and mid-season replacements have become commonplace. "Seasons" sometimes last only a few episodes and then it goes into re-runs. Case in point: One of the shows I enjoy (which shall remain nameless) had it's "season premiere" on January 13th. Now this week (March 3rd) they are advertising the 2-part season finale. Wait just a freakin' minute, YOUR SEASON IS LESS THAN 2 MONTHS LONG??? What the hell is that? I don't feel like watching re-runs of the NINE episodes you aired for the next 6 months. What happened to the 26 episode season? Makes me not want to tune in at all...
Monday, February 20, 2006
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
Crappy Valentine's Day
Who invented this stupid holiday anyway? Hallmark? Russell Stover? Tiffany's? Or perhaps all the florists of the world got together and created it. In any case, this has to be the stupidest idea for making me spend more money I don't have. Guys seem to know this...girls do not. A guy could let this day pass by and probably wouldn't even notice...or give a damn. But WOE TO HIM if he were to forget to lavishly adore his loving wife/girlfriend. Look babe, I just bought you a pair of diamond stud earrings 6 weeks ago for Christmas. Why is it women give a shit about this "holiday"? Why can't they see through it's insincerity like the cellophane on the box of chocolates you're doomed to shop for. On this one day of the year, men are pressured to feel all lovey-dovey and express it in no uncertain terms. Excuse me, but isn't love a bit more unscheduled? Isn't love a bit more spontaneous? No, I'm sorry you have to feel totally, unabashedly in love with her TODAY.
Then of course there's the single person, and there are just a few of us out there, who get this opportunity once a year to feel completely left out by this fabricated holiday. Don't have a sweetheart? Well what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Geez, you must be some kind of complete loser not to be in a relationship. Go home and sit in front of your T.V. alone and drown yourself in a quart of Ben and Jerry's. You're a freak, you don't belong, and as though you don't feel lonely enough, here it is to rub it in your face all over again...
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Then of course there's the single person, and there are just a few of us out there, who get this opportunity once a year to feel completely left out by this fabricated holiday. Don't have a sweetheart? Well what the hell is wrong with you anyway? Geez, you must be some kind of complete loser not to be in a relationship. Go home and sit in front of your T.V. alone and drown yourself in a quart of Ben and Jerry's. You're a freak, you don't belong, and as though you don't feel lonely enough, here it is to rub it in your face all over again...
Fuck Valentine's Day.
Thursday, February 02, 2006
The Great Equalizer
"Can you take a picture for me?"
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
What is it about this sentence that turns anyone into a complete idiot? Seriously, people act like a camera is something they've never seen before. "Okay, which button do I push?" "The one on the top right, where it's always been." Like it's some kind of brand new invention. Then they fumble around with it, looking at it sideways, resembling a monkey playing with a new toy. They take forever to set up a shot, moving back and forth, still trying to figure out how this "magic box" works. Then, of course, you get the photos back and inevitably the picture is off-center, or crooked, or half your head is missing. "Really sir, this is a GREAT shot of my feet." My personal favorite is when there is more of the background in the picture than the subject. Is it really that hard people? And forget giving a digital camera to anyone over the age of 50, you might as well give it to your dog...it would probably come out better. "You see, there's this viewscreen on the back of the magic box that shows you exactly what the picture will look like. Then you simply press down the button on the top right." As though all this wasn't difficult enough for them to comprehend, just try adding a flash. "Did the flash go off?" "How do you make the flash go?" "Maybe I should take it again." Look, mister, I only have 20 pictures left on that camera...
It's times like this I think that cloning isn't such a bad idea...
Friday, January 27, 2006
For The Championship Of The World...
1. Double 1. Another 1.
"Great round, you sure cleared all the 1's."
"Whatever. Your turn, you smug bastard." She headed back to the table and lay down her darts. She despised the way he always had to rub things in, he'd done it forever. Taking a sip of her drink, she watched her opponent head to the dart board. "You know it's only a matter of time until I beat you. You can't win all the time."
Triple 20. Triple 19. Triple 18.
Another perfect round. What is his secret anyway? "You cheat."
"I do not cheat," he said. "I simply let the darts find their way to their mark."
"Yeah, right." Now it was her turn. She stepped slowly up to the board. "You know, that's your problem, always has been. You're not a hands on enough kind of guy. You just let things slip by and before you know it...POOF!" She made a big gesture with her hands like a magician making something disappear. "Like I said, only a matter of time." She turned to the board…
3. 5. Another 1.
Lowering her head in disgust she headed back to the table, dreading the ribbing she was sure she was about to receive. As she sits down, her foe turns to her and says, "No, no, that was good. You had great form that time."
"Oh shut up. Even when you're trying to be nice you're still an ass." Drumming her red fingernails on the table, she watched her nemesis approach the board one more time. Of course, she knew what was to come next, she'd seen it too many times.
Triple 17. Triple 16. Triple 15.
"I don't believe this...luck favors the foolish, I guess," she tried lamely to save what was left of her bruised ego. She should be used to coming in second by now, but she hated it, she didn’t like to lose. She began to feel irritable. "What is with the thermostat in this place anyway? It’s not hot enough in here." Her opponent returned to the table and sat down. Looking her square in the eye he says, "You try too hard. It's throwing off your game. Just try to relax and will the dart where you want it to go."
"Easy for you to say," she said. "That's all you've ever done, will things to happen. Well I'm sorry, but life doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it takes sweat and determination to get things done." She took another sip of her drink, picked up her darts and headed back up to the board. "You know, that's what bugs me about you. At least I'm up front and honest about who I am and what I do. Everybody knows what my game is, just sign your name on the dotted line." The flames began to flicker behind her eyes. "But you sit up there on your throne with your 'holier than thou' attitude and make everybody guess what it is you want. Still, people worship you. They dedicate their entire lives to you. They fight wars and die in your name. And for what?"
Bulls-eye.
"Great round, you sure cleared all the 1's."
"Whatever. Your turn, you smug bastard." She headed back to the table and lay down her darts. She despised the way he always had to rub things in, he'd done it forever. Taking a sip of her drink, she watched her opponent head to the dart board. "You know it's only a matter of time until I beat you. You can't win all the time."
Triple 20. Triple 19. Triple 18.
Another perfect round. What is his secret anyway? "You cheat."
"I do not cheat," he said. "I simply let the darts find their way to their mark."
"Yeah, right." Now it was her turn. She stepped slowly up to the board. "You know, that's your problem, always has been. You're not a hands on enough kind of guy. You just let things slip by and before you know it...POOF!" She made a big gesture with her hands like a magician making something disappear. "Like I said, only a matter of time." She turned to the board…
3. 5. Another 1.
Lowering her head in disgust she headed back to the table, dreading the ribbing she was sure she was about to receive. As she sits down, her foe turns to her and says, "No, no, that was good. You had great form that time."
"Oh shut up. Even when you're trying to be nice you're still an ass." Drumming her red fingernails on the table, she watched her nemesis approach the board one more time. Of course, she knew what was to come next, she'd seen it too many times.
Triple 17. Triple 16. Triple 15.
"I don't believe this...luck favors the foolish, I guess," she tried lamely to save what was left of her bruised ego. She should be used to coming in second by now, but she hated it, she didn’t like to lose. She began to feel irritable. "What is with the thermostat in this place anyway? It’s not hot enough in here." Her opponent returned to the table and sat down. Looking her square in the eye he says, "You try too hard. It's throwing off your game. Just try to relax and will the dart where you want it to go."
"Easy for you to say," she said. "That's all you've ever done, will things to happen. Well I'm sorry, but life doesn't always work that way. Sometimes it takes sweat and determination to get things done." She took another sip of her drink, picked up her darts and headed back up to the board. "You know, that's what bugs me about you. At least I'm up front and honest about who I am and what I do. Everybody knows what my game is, just sign your name on the dotted line." The flames began to flicker behind her eyes. "But you sit up there on your throne with your 'holier than thou' attitude and make everybody guess what it is you want. Still, people worship you. They dedicate their entire lives to you. They fight wars and die in your name. And for what?"
Bulls-eye.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
What's Your Temperment?
Here's how my reading came out: |
|
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
You know you're a retard when...
We've all done it. Had one of those moments when you realize that something you'd thought since childhood is completely retarded. Nothing life altering or mind numbing, just something simple. Like an urban legend you'd heard as a child and taken as gospel, but now as an adult realize is completely ridiculous. Little things you don't think about often, but they pop back into your mind every once in a while. Case in point:
I always knew from looking at a map there was a city in Southern California named "La Jolla" (which I thought was pronounced "La Jo-la"). I had also heard of a city named "La Hoya". I always thought that these were 2 different cities. Now, I was raised in California which is the capital of Mexico, so I know that in Spanish "J" is pronounced "H" and that double L's are pronounced "Y", but for some reason never put 1 and 2 together. Not until last week when it finally dawned on me.
Like I said, nothing earth shattering, but you know you're a retard when...
I always knew from looking at a map there was a city in Southern California named "La Jolla" (which I thought was pronounced "La Jo-la"). I had also heard of a city named "La Hoya". I always thought that these were 2 different cities. Now, I was raised in California which is the capital of Mexico, so I know that in Spanish "J" is pronounced "H" and that double L's are pronounced "Y", but for some reason never put 1 and 2 together. Not until last week when it finally dawned on me.
Like I said, nothing earth shattering, but you know you're a retard when...
Monday, January 09, 2006
50%
50 percent. What is it about this that drives me nuts? Because if given the choice between up or down, left or right, black or white, good or evil, I will invariably pick the wrong one. Always. A 1 in 2 chance. That means that anywhere in the world you will probably be right 1 out of every 2 times, 5 out of every 10, 50 out of every 100, you get the idea. Except in my world. When faced with 50% I know I'm doomed. No matter what I guess, it will be wrong. I've even tried the "reverse psychology" angle...pick whichever one you're SURE is wrong, because you're wrong so often that it has to be the right one...nope, still wrong. No matter what I do, 50% will haunt me for the rest of my days.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
