Scott's Blog

Fuck you.

2010-01-17T11:13:00.016-05:00

I am sick to FUCKING death of people telling me what they think I should, or should not, post on my blog.

This is (or was) MY God-damn blog.

I can say whatever the hell I want.

I can post photos you don't like.

I can post ideas you disagree with.

Things that make you think.

Piss you off.

It's called "venting" you fucking morons, it's healthy and yes, ABSOLUTELY necessary.

My blog isn't for YOU.

My blog isn't about YOU.

It's for ME.

It's for my own sanity.

It's an online "Dear Diary".

If you don't like it, then don't read it.

Keep your idealistic, moronic, stupid, ill-informed and judgemental opinions to yourselves.

I am taking an extended, if not permanent vacation.

Somewhere deep down I knew this was going to happen, but still...

2010-01-04T01:42:00.006-05:00

It's truly sad when you do the math.

You wake up one perfectly normal day and you realize...

Turning 21?

That was half your life ago.

You've already been there/done that.

Twice.

2009 - The Year In Review

2009-12-31T08:51:00.006-05:00

Today is the last day of that year...and what an unforgettable year it was for a lot of us.

We lost a great deal of good people this year...too many.

As we embark together on the journey that is to become the year 2010, please take a moment with me to think about what these people gave us during their lives.

Here, in no particular order, is only a partial list of who we lost:

-Michael Jackson-

-Farrah Fawcett-

-Patrick Swayze-

-Brittany Murphy-

-John Hughes-

-Natasha Richardson-

-Ron Silver-

-Bea Arthur-

-David Carradine-

-Karl Malden-

-Ed McMahon-

-Dom DeLuise-

-Ricardo Montalban-

-Walter Cronkite-

-Danny Gans-

-Henry Gibson-

-Mary Travers-

-Merce Cunningham-

-John Updike-

-James Whitmore-

-Soupy Sales-

-Les Paul-

-Maurice Jarre-

The world is a little emptier without their presence...

The Way I See It #20

2009-12-30T18:03:00.002-05:00

"Mommy, what kind of fishing bait is this? It's all gooey!"

Uh, could you change your name...please?

2009-12-28T17:36:00.004-05:00

I'm actually at work right now, entering information into the company's database. My job, at least for now, is to update the companys' contact info from the past, oh, several decades.

I just entered an address yesterday that was dated "1986".

But today I entered the name of an organization I simply cannot believe. It's the "History Day in California and Free Expression in a Free Society Programs Constitutional Rights Foundation".

...these guys take themselves WAY too seriously.

Drumroll please...

2009-12-17T07:46:00.006-05:00

I got the results back from my recent MRI.

As I feared, they didn't find anything wrong with my knee. No tears, no damage of any kind.

Worst of all, they didn't find ANYTHING. They didn't even see that I'd had part of my meniscus surgically removed in Germany back in 1996.

That's more than just a little disturbing.

What the doctor did state, was that she thought I may be suffering from "tendinosis".

Wikipedia defines "Tendinsosis" as:

"Sometimes called chronic tendinitis, tendinosis, chronic tendinopathy or chronic tendon injury, is damage to a tendon at a cellular level (the suffix "osis" implies a pathology of chronic degeneration without inflammation). It is thought to be caused by microtears in the connective tissue in and around the tendon, leading to an increase in tendon repair cells. This may lead to reduced tensile strength, thus increasing the chance of tendon rupture. Tendinosis is often misdiagnosed as tendinitis due to the limited understanding of tendinopathies by the medical community."

WebMD defines "Tendinitis" as:

"When the tendon gets inflamed it is known as tendinitis, and when the tendons are chronically overused, it may lead to microscopic tears in the collagen matrix and causes a gradual weakening of the tissues."

It is also pointed out that:

"Initial recovery is usually within 2 to 3 months and full recovery is within 3 to 6 months. About 80% of patients will fully recover."

But they also point out that:

'Recurrence of injury in the damaged region of tendon is common."

The doctor is referring me to a specialist who I assume I will be seeing sometime after the New Year.

They will let me know.

Back to work...sort of.

2009-12-15T08:02:00.014-05:00

I went back to work yesterday, only 3 hours after having an MRI taken of my knee.

I'm not back to my old job, there's no way I can move furniture all day. I won't receive the results from my MRI for several days.

I've been stuffed into a back room roughly the size of a ham sandwich, sitting down in front of a computer and creating, from scratch, a contact database from years and years of stored up paperwork.

I'm working alphabetically.

I worked for almost 5 hours yesterday.

I'm up to the word "American".

That's halfway through the letter "A".

Or in other words, 1/52 of the way through the alphabet.

Now, I'm no slouch on a computer. At top speed, I've been clocked at 90 words per minute. But some, no MOST of these files are incomplete. For about 1/3 of the entries, I have to go on the Internet to find a missing phone number, or contact name, or e-mail address. It's very time consuming.

It's a damn good thing that the "closet" they've stuck me in is only about 20 feet from the coffee station. Guess I can count my blessings.

No wait, the men's bathroom is on the other side of the building.

So, judging by yesterdays' outcome, mathematically speaking, it's going to take me roughly 260 hours to complete this job. At a full 40 hour work week, not allowing for lunches or bathroom breaks, that's 6 1/2 WEEKS of sitting in front of a computer screen, in a cramped room, entering the same information over, and over, and over, and over.

...and you know there are more entries under some letters than others.

I can't WAIT to get to the letters "E" and "S"!!!

But do you want to know the silliest part of this entire situation?

I have to show up for work every day dressed in black dress slacks, a white pressed shirt and a tie.

I enter the hotel through the back door.

I walk down a short hallway to my dungeon, where I spend the entire shift at a computer console in a modified closet.

I don't come into contact with any guests.

I might see 1 or 2 other employees...probably not even that many.

So why can't I come to work in a tank top, pajama bottoms and fuzzy, pink bunny slippers?

UPDATE:

After another 8 hours of data entry, I'm finally up to the letter "B".

Sign of the times...unfortunately.

2009-12-13T18:32:00.005-05:00

The United States Post Office has declared that they will no longer deliver your "letters to Santa".

That service is to be discontinued.

Not to fear, though. They have the problem well in hand.

Children everywhere can send Santa Claus a text message from their cell phone.

...wait a minute.

Jolly old Saint Nick?

Who is still dressed in a red suit from the 1800's?

Who still drives a SLEIGH?

Who still makes toys out of, what's that stuff called again? Oh yeah, WOOD?

Has a cell phone???

Does he get reception at the North Pole???

...and just how much would it cost to receive 6 BILLION text messages anyway???

The Way I See It #19

2009-12-05T11:58:00.003-05:00

Of course, DEAD animals are OK!

An accident waiting to happen?

2009-12-04T09:18:00.007-05:00

Does anyone out there remember a ship named, umm, what was it called again?

Oh yeah, TITANIC???

Didn't we learn our lesson the FIRST time?

_____________________________________________________________

"Oasis of the Seas: Titanic Proportions"

"Royal Carribean's Oasis of the Seas debuts in December as the world's largest cruise ship. It is nearly five times the gross tonnage of the Titanic, and 1 1/2 times longer than the U.S. Capitol building, has 16 decks and has a capacity for 6,296 guests. You may also be pleased to know that Oasis has the largest lifeboats in the cruise world. Each one can hold nearly 370 people."

___________________________________________________________________

Oh, I'm VERY pleased to know that. If history has a lesson to be learned here, those lifeboats are going to be needed.

Why are we as humans OBSESSED with "bigger and better"?

5 TIMES the size of the TITANIC???

We all know how well THAT ended.

When does it stop?

How many warning signs do you need?????

The 12 Days of Christmas

2009-12-03T20:06:00.004-05:00

On my way home from the gym this afternoon in my car, I decided to turn on the local "Christmas" radio station.

Every town's got one.

You know, the one that plays only Christmas music starting around Thanksgiving and plays it 24 hours a day until Christmas. Well, they just happened to be playing "The 12 Days of Christmas". Not my favorite Christmas tune, but what the heck.

What startled me was after the song finished.

The DJ came back on and announced that a small independent company had tallied up what everything in that song would cost at today's market value.

...you wanna take a guess as to how much it would cost you?

...I'll wait.

...dum-dee-dum-dee-dum.

...la-dee-dah-dee-dah.

...okay, here's what they said it would cost at today's market price.

...hold on to your wallet.

$87,000.00!!!

Hey babe, it may be Christmas and yes, I do love you...but wouldn't you rather settle for, oh, I don't know, maybe A CAR???

IT WOULD BE CHEAPER!!!!!

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to say, so call it "stream of consciousness"...

2009-12-02T10:21:00.004-05:00

Today is Wednesday.

I see the doctor again tomorrow.

I'm bored speechless.

I actually caught myself watching "Days Of Our Lives" yesterday.

Dear God.

I started my annual "24 days of Christmas" decorating yesterday. I do it every year.

On December 1st, you hang a string of lights.

On December 2nd, you put a wreath on the front door.

On December 3rd, you hang another string of lights.

On December 4th, you put out one of those light-up, animated reindeer.

On December 5th, you hang yet another string of lights.

...and so on, and so on, all month long until by December 24th your place resembles Chevy Chase's house in "Christmas Vacation". Thank God for LED's. They save you TONS of money on the electric bill. Hey, it just ain't Christmas if you can still see the house behind all the decorations on Christmas morning. How else do you think Santa's gonna find you? My place is clearly visible from space. The astronauts on the International Space Station use it as a beacon.

It's true.

...and I've got the only Christmas Palm Tree on the block, that's for sure.

Well, gotta go now. I have to line the front walkway with light-up candy canes!

Merry Christmas everybody!

Thanksgiving

2009-11-25T10:38:00.003-05:00

To give thanks.

But who exactly are we giving thanks to?

Ourselves?

We make our own lives.

We live by our own decisions.

We decide poorly at times, but that which does not kill us makes us stronger.

Perhaps an over-used saying, but oh so true.

But I am thankful.

Even as I sit here on my couch, my knee wrapped up, hobbling around the house.

I see the doctor again in 5 hours. I hope they will finally schedule me for an MRI. I've been out of work for 5 weeks now. They've GOT to do SOMETHING!!! It's not getting any better on its own.

Unfortunately, in my heart of hearts, I'm reasonably sure this is more than some sort of bad sprain. It, more than likely, is going to require some sort of surgery. I can still walk, but not for very long. It looks fine first thing in the morning, but after moving around by afternoon it's swollen back up again.

I'm sick of ice.

I'm sick of heating pads.

I'm sick of that cane.

I'm sick of those crutches.

I'm sick of my couch.

But I suppose that things could be a lot worse.

So Happy Thanksgiving everyone. May you enjoy the comfort of family this holiday and stuff yourselves silly with turkey!

Welcome to my brain. Try not to be afraid.

2009-10-25T11:16:00.012-05:00

Scientists say that the Universe is infinite.
Scientists also say that the Universe is expanding.
If the Universe is truly infinite then how can it be expanding?

Why is it called a "Doughnut"?
Okay, it's made with dough, but where's the nut?
And how exactly can you eat a "Doughnut Hole"?

Why were there "Holy Wars"?
If murder is a sin, then why would you kill in the name of God?

If women don't want to be viewed as sex objects why are cosmetics, diet pills, breast implants, push-up bras, plastic surgery, high heels, corsets, mini skirts, tube tops, nylons and hair dye such big business? And what about all those "articles" in womens' magazines about how to "Spice Up Your Sex Life"? Not to mention the fact that there is a waiting list 1,000 miles long of women who want to pose for "Playboy".

Is it the same person? Or triplets separated at birth?

2009-10-23T12:06:00.021-05:00

This is Colm Meaney.

He played Engineer "Miles O'Brian" on "Star Trek: the Next Generation" and "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is John C. Reilly.

He is probably best known for his roles in "Chicago", "The Dewey Cox Story" and opposite Will Ferrell in "Step Brothers".

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

...and this, God help us all, is Susan Boyle from "Britain's Got Talent".

Does anyone else notice anything, uhh, familiar???

2009-10-23T05:33:00.003-05:00

Zurm.

Shiz nizzle whatsit flurm.

Bogdanny fliznit joogamahits flub-jub.

Skizzle blatwad Pia Zadora

Misz blankwad frahizzle???

Bleeg.

Am I back in Germany???

2009-10-22T12:06:00.002-05:00

I'm sitting here on my couch.

Leg propped up, pain medication and heating pad administered.

What the fuck?

My life, as I knew it, was just starting to get back on track.

Things were finally returning to some sense of "normality".

...and then this.

Is it a new injury?

Or is it from the Arthroscopic knee surgery I had in Germany back in 1996?

X-rays were taken.

I doubt...EXTREMELY...that they will show anything.

I've been through this before.

Soft tissue damage.

It doesn't show up on an X-ray.

I know that.

Basically, probably, hopefully not, but more than likely I'm fucked.

And there is absolutely NOTHING that I can do about it.

I've been here before.

Unfortunately.

I can barely walk.

I can barely stand.

It might as well be a 10 mile hike just to get to the bathroom.

This is nothing new to me.

Like I said, I've been here before.

Halfway across the world...but I've been here before.

But does this mean, once this passes, that I will, more than likely, spend the rest of my life hobbling about like some old, feeble, handicapped person?

Something is telling me yes.

Me.

I used to dance.

REALLY dance.

Ballet.

Jazz.

Tap.

Modern.

I can't even get to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich.

Fuck you world.

Fuck you.

No.

I

FUCKING

MEAN

IT.

FOOUH

UHHK

EYOO

OOUU!!!

After everything I've been through in the past year, YOU THROW THIS MOTHER FUCKING SHIT IN MY FACE???

"From Hells heart, I stab at thee."

"For hates' sake, I spit my last breath at thee."

When did the world go completely insane?

2009-10-20T09:45:00.010-05:00

When I was little, people had jobs. They went to work everyday and did whatever it was that they did to bring home a paycheck.

It was what it was.

Not anymore.

When I was little, we had "Garbagemen". They rolled up to your house in a big, blue truck and took your garbage away to the dump.

Not anymore.

The job hasn't changed, but now they want you to call them "Sanitary Servicemen".

When I was little, we had "Secretaries". They worked in an office. They typed up memos. They filed paperwork.

Not anymore.

The job hasn't changed, but now they want you to call them "Personal Assistants".

I recently went on a shopping trip to Target. On my way out to the car, bags in hand, a guy rolls by me on one of those "Segues". He's wearing a neon yellow vest. Emblazoned across the back in capital letters is his job title..."ASSETS PROTECTION".

Are you serious?

You're a minimum wage security guard in a Target parking lot.

What is wrong with having the job you have? Obviously, you must think that SOMETHING is wrong. Giving your job a more "important" title changes nothing.
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Last night I went to Safeway to do some grocery shopping. Right inside, near the entrance, there is a large wall covered with shelves. It's usually filled with "seasonal" items.

For weeks, the shelves have been lined with Jack-O-Lanterns and witches. Haunted houses and ghosts. Black cats and tombstones. Scary Halloween stuff.

Not anymore.

Now more than half of the Halloween decor has been taken down. In it's place are reindeer, snowflakes, sleighbells and figurines of Santa Claus.

Seriously?

Halloween is still 2 weeks away and you're already taking it off the shelves and packing it away to make room for Christmas decorations??? It's OCTOBER!!! Christmas is more than TWO MONTHS AWAY!!!

So somebody please tell me, when did the world go completely insane?

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!

2009-10-19T10:29:00.006-05:00

Wishing you a SPOOOOKY Halloween!!!

'Twas beauty killed the beast

2009-10-18T03:16:00.006-05:00

I just finished, once again, watching "King Kong".

I've seen it maybe 50 times over my lifetime.

The original 1930's version.

The 1970's version with Jeff Bridges and "Dwan". Really bad acting abounds.

...and the newest, CGI, slick graphics, tricked out version.

I think I understand the intent of the storyline now.

The metaphor of a huge, enormously powerful beast, capable of so much anger and destruction and yet equally as much caring and love.

Fighting to the end and ultimately giving his life for what he holds precious...a beautiful woman who understands him and communicates with him like no one else can.

I think you have to be a man to truly understand the intent.

It only took me a lifetime to figure out.

But just who is the "beauty"? The attractive, blonde starlet...or the 80 foot, monstrous gorilla with a heart of gold?

It truly is in the eye of the beholder.

Black dang the corn swazzlin' ferd...

2009-10-13T10:44:00.006-05:00

Jumbo neolithic kindred flip-flops conjoin tinsel makeshift monolithic avatars bestowing irregularity. Saskatchewan beholds fascist fuscia periodontal misfits. The Gregorian montage subsides eloquently beneath.

"Panorama!" Constellation, triumphantly beholding rectangular virtuosity, amends encompassing cardboard.

"Makeshift exoskeleton tyrannical purple! Rhubarb flatulence regards mightily!"

Spherical protruding autumn exudes prehistoric diversity.

Operatic sincerity hilarium.

Fortress pleasantry denied.

Dating In The Year 2009

2009-10-11T16:16:00.005-05:00

In an effort to get myself "back out there", as in attempt to date again, I have posted profiles on several different "dating" websites.

These things are a compulsive liars paradise.

Women regail you with stories of how much they like to jet-ski or parachute or hang glide. They love to travel to exotic locations and spend their summers in Fiji. They have amazing lives filled with culture and color. They are deeply spiritual. They are wise beyond their years.

Their stories aren't just "seasoned", they're outright fictional.

If that wasn't bad enough, they are also apparently delusional about their appearance.

Case in point.

I get an e-mail from this woman saying "Hi cutie!". She claims in her bio that her body type is, and I quote, "Average".....

On what PLANET and in what REALITY are you considered average?????

Oh wait, I get it...the person she just ATE was average.

Do these people have funhouse mirrors in their bedrooms? Because I sure as hell ain't seeing an "average" sized woman here...

I see Shamu.

2009-10-03T22:00:00.004-05:00

I just got home from yet another 14 1/2 hour workday. I'm exhausted, but I was "entertained".

I have worked in the hotel industry for many, many years, but never before have I experienced a day quite like today.

We had three large group functions taking place at the hotel, all at the same time...

GROUP #1: A young black girls "Sweet 16" birthday party. There wasn't a White, Hispanic or Asian person in sight. All baggy pants, sideways baseball caps, "bling" and ATTITUDE. Throw in a DJ whose playlist all sounds exactly the same.

GROUP #2: The annual ball for "The River City Gems". A group of about 100 middle-aged, blue collar, cross-dressing men and their "dates". Not a single pair of pants in the room. More ball gowns, hoop skirts, "Scarlet O'Hara" wigs and falsies than "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert".

GROUP #3: "Little People of America". Pretty self-explanatory. Would you believe that a gathering of midgets was the most "normal" group?

Nobody can ever say I don't experience "diversity" at the workplace.

Halloween is coming...

2009-10-01T12:34:00.042-05:00

Autumn is here

A gentle, light breeze

Temperature changes
The colors of trees
Goodbye lemonade
Hello hot cider
Stores filled with pumpkins

My eyes growing W I D E R
What should I wear?
What would be cool?
Perhaps a SCARY monster
With lots of drool!
Halloween is coming!
It calls out my name
For without this day
Fall wouldn't be the same
Ghost or goblin?
Witch or vampire?
The kid in us all
Loves a head on a spire!

Drive past the graveyard
Ghouls whisper at night
"Happy Haunting to all,
and to all a good FRIGHT!!!"

Somebody PLEASE kill me

2009-09-12T23:20:00.014-05:00

I just got home from work.

I worked 14 1/2 hours today.

Yes, I said FOURTEEN AND A HALF HOURS.

I have to be up at 5 AM tomorrow morning to do it all over again.

That's less than 8 hours away.

I pull up to my apartment and there's a group of niggers...

Not "African-Americans".

Not "Blacks".

I mean MUDDAH FUGGIN' IN DA HOOOOOOOOD NIGGAHZ.

There is a HUGE difference.

They're on the rooftop of the building across the street from my apartment with a cheap-ass Casio drum machine, amplifiers and microphones...

Rapping...

BADLY.

It's like a cacophony of bellowing wombats.

No wait, they're worse than that.

A large crowd has gathered on the street below them. Their ears are bleeding.

SHUT THE HELL UP YOU TALENTLESS GROUP OF WHINING PANSIES BEFORE I STRANGLE YOU ALL WITH YOUR GOD DAMN MICROPHONE CORDS WHILE STUFFING PAGES FROM A DICTIONARY DOWN YOUR MOTHER FUCKING THROATS BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY NEVER LEARNED THE ENGLISH FUCKING LANGUAGE!!!!!

Rapping takes no talent.

It takes a thesaurus, some "bling" and maybe some "grillz" yo!

I think it's wonderfully selfless how many generations of blacks gave so much, sometimes paid with their very lives, to assure that their childrens' children would live in a different, better world.

This is what you chose to do with their blood, sweat and tears?

This is their payback?

Bunch of fucking whining deadbeats.

Blow me.

2009-09-08T18:10:00.004-05:00

Every day I try to find at least ONE thing to help me remember that I'm unique.

That there is only ONE of me in the entire universe.

I have to.

Most of us will probably never reach our highest goal, our greatest expectation.

That is why we keep reaching.

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I took a trip down to the Gift Shop...

2009-09-02T09:45:00.006-05:00

WOW! A "Male Nurse Action Figure.....WITH STETHOSCOPE AND X-RAY CLIPBOARD"!!! What little boy wouldn't want one of these??? Just in case your friends don't already think you're gay, now you can confirm their suspicions!!!

"Good Afternoon! Welcome to the Bank of Sadistic Assholes! My name is Satan. How can I fuck you over today?"

2009-08-31T17:56:00.011-05:00

I hate banks.

I almost closed my account today. Perhaps I still may...the jury's out on that one.

Unbeknownst to me, my checking account evidently became, well, $0, after I had to lay down $237.00 to repair my car a couple of weeks ago. It wouldn't start after I got off work.

...that's not including the towing fee.

...and the car still doesn't run right.

I drove it off the repair lot, down the street, took a left turn and got on the entrance to the freeway. Halfway down the ramp, the car bucked and the check engine light came on...again.

I hadn't even driven the car 3 miles yet. But that's only the beginning of the problem.

When I picked up the car, I tried to pay for it with my Visa credit card...it was denied.

Left with no other choice, I put the car repairs on my debit card...as in the money is taken directly out of my checking account.

A couple of days later I rent a DVD from one of those "Red Boxes" you see at the grocery store. I've rented from this particular machine many times before and it automatically enters my banking information. The daily fee for a rental? $1.09.

Let me say that again for those of you that missed it...$1.09

This sets into motion a series of events only Satan would find funny. This $1.09 charge makes my checking account negative. The bank starts ringing up the overdraft charges. No phone calls. No e-mails. No text messages. Nothing. When all is said and done, the bank has rung up over $218.00 in fees.

The grand total of EVERYTHING I actually spent? $22.

4 of the 6 "penalty fees" are for $1 video rentals. The other 2 are for $11 and $7.

Let's see, that a mark-up of...

Umm...

Give me a second here...

Let me do the math...

Wait, I've almost got it...

1,000 PERCENT??? Just where, pray tell, do you ASSHOLES think all this money is going to come from IF THERE ISN'T ANY MONEY IN MY ACCOUNT IN THE FIRST PLACE???

...and just because misery LOVES company, how many hours am I scheduled to work this week?

...17.

...and the rent is due.

"Fatal Attraction"

2009-08-19T21:06:00.007-05:00

So...

Today was my first day back in banquets.

Halfway through my shift I run into the Front Office manager, Jenny. She mutters "There's the traitor!" under her breath and passes me by.

Later in the shift, Amelia, the alcoholic who was arrested and thrown in jail, who I was called in to work for on my day off, comes walking into the main ballroom where I'm vacuuming the floor.

It's a HUGE ballroom. There's A LOT of floor.

She just sits there for her ENTIRE LUNCH BREAK,

...and watches,

...and watches,

...and watches.

Never says a thing.

Just watches me vacuum the floor.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, YOU PSYCHO FUCKING BITCHES! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU???

You treat me like a demented, diseased FREAK the entire time I work with you at the Front Desk, but now that I'm gone you're all going "Fatal Attraction" on me?

WHAT THE FUCK ???

I'm hiding the rabbit.

Get a life Glenn Close.

Amy visits Sacramento

2009-08-18T11:52:00.005-05:00

...and as you can plainly see, we had absolutely NO FUN!!!

Oxymoron Day

2009-08-16T19:20:00.005-05:00

I needed to go PetCo after work this afternoon to get some "food" for Apophis, my corn snake. He eats frozen fetal rats called "Pinkies". So I headed to the "refrigerated section" of the pet store and quickly find what I'm looking for. A small bag containing 3 frozen fetal rats.

The name on the bag?

"Gourmet Rodent".

Now that I've worked up an appetite from buying frozen, dead, baby rats I head next door to a buffet style restaurant. The waiters are all dressed in Hawaiian shirts. There are huge paintings on all of the walls depicting tropical island scenes and whales. Fake palm trees and coconuts abound. You half expect the waitresses to be running around in grass skirts while serving you poi and freshly squeezed pineapple juice.

The name of the restaurant?

"Luau Garden Chinese Buffet".

Like I said.

Oxymoron Day.

Tick...tick...tick...

2009-08-15T21:23:00.003-05:00

Okay, it's official. On the advice of someone dear to me (you know who you are), I've decided that the grief associated with the "prestige" of working at the Front Desk ain't worth the freakin' headache.

My official last day is this Wednesday at 11:15 PM.

Not that I'm counting...

...and not a moment too soon.

I am transferring back to the Banquets Department. It's not glamorous work. Not by a long shot. I move tables and chairs all day. Vacuum the floors. It's meaningless work, but I'm on my own almost the entire shift and no one is looking over my shoulder telling me that I'm doing it wrong.

I actually had one of the girls at the Front Desk correct me as I was restocking the rubberbands this morning. She turned to me and said, "You're doing that wrong."

THEY'RE FUCKING RUBBERBANDS YOU COW!!!!!

Pray tell, HOW am I doing it wrong???

Go on Jenny Craig and lose that GIGANTIC FAT ASS of yours, you stuck up bitch.

Rubber fuckin' bands...

Believe it or not, he's actually gotten BIGGER!!!

2009-08-13T19:02:00.003-05:00

"Now eat all of your dead, frozen mice and you'll grow up big and strong!"

2009-08-04T19:43:00.013-05:00

I hate my job.

No, seriously...

I FUCKING HATE MY MOTHER FUCKING, FUCKED UP, FUCK YOU UP THE ASS WITH A FUCKING POLE, FUCKING FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!

If I didn't have bills to pay I would walk.

I probably will.

I'm working in a hyenas den of snarling bitches out to fuck you over because they got their poor little feelings hurt in their last relationship when the guy finally wised up and dumped their sorry ass.

It's like going to work every day in a coven of witches...and they DO NOT want you around!!!

Well that, and "Witches" begins with a "B".

I fucking hate them.

Fucking hive of man-haters.

The SECOND I can find ANYTHING else, I am so FUCKING out of there!!!!!!

I don't care what job it is, as long as it's not there.

You fucking cunts.

I fucking hate you.

Every one of you.

You fucking sit around in your fucking girls club because nobody else WANTS to fucking play with you, you wretched fucking pack of fucking she-wolves.

I actually had one of the girls turn to me yesterday just as I got to work and say, "Don't talk to me."

Fuck you, you miserable fucking cuntbag wretched bitch fuck!

This is the same girl who I got called in to work for last week, at 8 AM, on my day off, because she'd been arrested by the police for being drunk and disorderly, hauled downtown and thrown in the tank.

Crawl back into your fucking miserable shit hole of a life and fucking stay there you fucking cunt!

Let me say it REAL slow, so your feeble minds can grasp what I'm telling you...

FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK YYYYYOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!

It's no wonder all you fucking bitches are single! You can't get a man? WHO THE HELL WOULD WANT TO FUCK YOUR SORRY ASS??????????

The most fucked up part of this whole thing? I left a good job tending bar and another working banquets at this hotel to work at the mother fucking front desk.

The Banquets Manager said that she was, and I quote, "losing one of her best people".

I'm seriously considering not even showing up to work for my next shift. I don't fucking care about the god damn consequences anymore.

Either that, or someone is going to fucking die.

First thing tomorrow morning, I'm hitting the pavement and looking for a new job.

Say "hello" to my little friend...

2009-07-26T23:54:00.001-05:00

He (or she) is just a BABY!!!

Only 1 month old.

I got him/her today.

Currently accepting suggestions for a name...

Let your fingers do the walking

2009-07-18T10:02:00.003-05:00

Has anyone else ever noticed that, when looking through the Yellow Pages, "Pet Stores" comes directly after "Pest Control"?

2009-07-15T13:52:00.002-05:00

Life is good.

Try to remember that.

We seem to forget all too often.

2009-07-11T10:21:00.004-05:00

I don't really have anything to say today, I was just tired of looking at the last post!

I've had to work for the past 9 days straight.

Yes, that means without a day off.

I finally get one today.

On my last day off, I was called in at 8:00 in the morning to cover for a girl who was arrested for public drunkenness and thrown in the tank until she sobered up.

Can you see the irony in this situation?

So to celebrate, I'm gonna make myself a nice bowl of hot cereal, have a piping hot cup of coffee, hop on my new bike and take a nice, relaxing ride on the Jedediah Smith Recreational Trail out to mile marker #10 and back (yep, that's a 20 mile round-trip, not including the bike ride getting there...feel free to Google Map it).

Then I'm going to IKEA and buy myself a little "bistro" table and some stools for the breakfast nook. I'm tired of eating breakfast, lunch and dinner on the couch!

Hope everyone has a lovely day!

-Scott-

My new theme song...

2009-07-06T20:54:00.004-05:00

Why be afraid if I'm not alone

Though life is never easy

The rest is unknown

Up to now for me

It's been hands against stone

Spent each and every moment

Searching for what to believe

Coming out of the dark

I finally see the light now

It's shining on me

Coming out of the dark

I know the love that saved me

You're sharing with me

Starting again is part of the plan

And I'll be so much stronger holding your hand

Step by step I'll make it through

I know I can

It may not make it easier

But I have felt you near all the way.

Won't be fooled again

2009-07-05T22:27:00.006-05:00

I'll be fighting in the street

With my life now at my feet

And the morals that they worship will be gone

And the men who spurred me on

Sit in judgement of all wrong

They decide and the shotgun sings the song

And the world looks just the same

And history ain't changed

'Cause the banners, they all flown in the last war

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around me

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

I'll move myself aside

If I happen to be left half alive

I'll get all my papers and smile at the sky

For I know that the hypnotized never lie

Do ya?

There's nothing in the street

Looks any different to me

And the slogans are replaced, by and by

And the parting on the left

Is now the parting on the right

And the beards have all grown longer overnight

I'll tip my hat to the new constitution

Take a bow for the new revolution

Smile and grin at the change all around me

Pick up my guitar and play

Just like yesterday

Then I'll get on my knees and pray

I won't be fooled again

Won't be fooled again...

According to Webster's - Part Deux

2009-07-02T23:28:00.003-05:00

Xenophobia - (zee-nuh-foh-bee-uh) - noun

1. - An unreasonable fear or hatred of foreigners or strangers or of that which is foreign or strange.

2. - An unreasonable fear or hatred of any woman named "Zina", who is also foreign and strange.

A typical day answering the phones while working at the front desk...

2009-06-29T21:25:00.015-05:00

- "Is this the Red Lion Hotel?". This is right after I've just answered the phone saying "Good morning, Red Lion Hotel".

- "How close are you to Disneyland?" Uh, about 500 miles or so.

- "Do you know what time it is?" Look at the bedside clock right next to the phone.

- "My granddaughter just peed all over the bed".

- "Do you know what the temperture is?". If you stick your head out your front door I'm sure you'll find out. Me? I'm in the air-conditioned lobby.

- How much are the tickets to "fill-in-the-blank"?

- "Can we get more towels?"

- "Can we get more towels?"

- "CAN WE GET MORE TOWELS???" Listen people, for the last time, the little button you just pushed on the phone says "Front Desk" not "Housekeeping".

- "This is room 125. We were just moved to this room because we didn't like the way the air-conditioning worked in room 451. We were moved to room 451 because the water pressure in room 104 was too low. We were moved to room 104 because there was a stain on the carpet in room 503. We were moved to room 503 because we didn't like the curtains in room 175. We were moved to room 175 because it was too far away from where we parked the car. Now we want to move from this room because we don't like the view."

- "Can you give me directions? I'm on highway whatchamahoozit just passing thingamajig street...there's a purple billboard...and a crow."

- "I heard about this local garage band that's going to play in your lounge there. I don't know their name. I don't know what day they are playing. Can you tell me more about that?"

- "This is the Southwest Airlines crew. I don't know our in-bound flight number. Can you come pick us up?"

- "Is this the DoubleTree Hotel?" Again, this is right after I've just answered the phone saying "Good morning, Red Lion Hotel".

2009-06-24T00:13:00.005-05:00

So...

I just got back from a date.

My first since Zina, the warrior princess, destroyer of lives decided to leave me.

It may very well may be my LAST date.

I met her on "Craig's List". I had placed an ad looking for, well, ANYTHING. I haven't even attempted to date since her highness packed up and left me with a pile of shit almost a year-and-a-half ago. Why would I WANT to do that to myself again?

It appears that my gut instinct was right...I should have listened.

First of all, this girl appears to have been named after a tree...you know, like "Sequioa" or "Magnolia".

Clue #1.

She shows up at my front door wearing flip-flops and an ill-fitted mumu. She's about 30 pounds heavier than her online photo and in THAT she was heavy. She's only about 5'2".

We get into her car, a Suburban that hasn't been washed or cleaned in, oh, about 15 years or so, and head off to a local Chinese restaurant.

I'm thinking to myself, "Okay Scott, now you haven't done this in a while. Maybe it's not really as bad as it first seems. Give it a chance."

We drive to the restauarant, sit down and order.

Okay, this next part took me just a LITTLE off guard. Right off the bat, she starts to discuss her previous lovers. I know, faux pas numero uno. But wait, it gets worse...if that's possible. She eventually puts 2 and 2 together and realizes that someone she dated last year was...

...have you guessed it yet?

...wait for the trumpets.

My younger brother.

Jesus Christ.

You

have

GOT

to

be

freakin'

KIDDING!!!

Jesus F-ing Christ.

Somebody please shoot me.

This date has only been going on for 20 minutes and I already thought it was bad. But now you spring THIS shit on me?

She leans across the table to tell me that she has a "system". She keeps her first dates down to 30 minutes. She likes to keep the date short and makes it a point to tell me that she doesn't sleep with a guy until she's been dating him for at least a month.

Don't worry babe. That was the LAST thing I had in mind.

So...after this JOYOUS romp back into the dating scene again, somebody PLEASE tell me just ONE thing...

After Zina, the Wonder Mess, and how well all THAT all turned out, why...WHY...WHY would I ever want to date again???

Sometimes you just need to STOP. . . and "listen"

2009-06-23T03:16:00.008-05:00

It's been such a long time

I think I should be goin'

Time doesn't wait for me

It keeps on rollin'

Sail on, on a distant highway

I've got to keep on chasin' a dream

I've got to be on my way

Wish there was something I could say

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along

You'll forget about me after I've been gone

And I take what I find, I don't want no more

It's just outside of your front door

It's been such a long time

It's been such a LONG time

Well I get so lonely when I am without you

But in my mind, deep in my mind

I can't forget about you

Good times and faces that remind me

I'm tryin' to forget your name and leave it all behind me

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along

You'll forget about me after I've been gone

And I take what I find, I don't want no more

It's just outside of your front door

It's been such a long time

It's been such a LONG time

It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah

And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'

There's a long road, I gotta stay in time with

I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it

I'm always just behind it

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along

Takin' my time, just movin' along

Takin' my time, yeah, I'm takin' my time...

Everyone gets their "Day In The Sun"...

2009-06-13T02:03:00.002-05:00

...then we spend the rest of our lives trying to heal the sunburn.

My brother ROCKS THE HOUSE!!!

2009-06-08T11:00:00.003-05:00

"Chicago Tribute Authority"

The Fountains, Rocklin, CA

June 6, 2009

I think I may have gotten a LITTLE carried away...

2009-06-07T10:31:00.004-05:00

Now where am I going to put all my clothes???

2009-06-05T14:49:00.002-05:00

I took Bikram class again this morning.

I've been taking class for a couple of weeks now after a 7 or 8 month break.

Somewhere around the 3rd pose I looked forward in the mirror.

Someone was staring back.

Me.

Welcome back, Scott.

Phase X

2009-06-02T13:38:00.010-05:00

Every once in a while, I feel it's healthy to make a short "Life List", a summary of where you have been and what you have accomplished so far. When life gets you down, you can always look back, feel proud, and say "Yeah, I did that. I REALLY did that."

I haven't made one in a while, so here is the abbreviated version of my life thus far to share with all of you...

Phase I- Childhood through teens (Gumdrop Dr., Lincoln, Odd jobs).

Phase II- Start of career (Move to New York, "Kiss Me, Kate" national tour, "Fiddler on the Roof" national tour, "A Chorus Line" Atlantic City, "Starlight Express" Las Vegas).

Phase III- Hollywood.

Phase IV- "Starlight Express" Germany and "Fantasy" in South Korea.

Phase V- Las Vegas (version 2.0), "Star Trek" and "Jubilee".

Phase VI- "Starlight Express" tour.

Phase VII- New York Part II (Inwood).

Phase VIII- Las Vegas (version 3.0), Return to "Jubilee", Bevertainment at the Rio, slow decline to oblivion.

Phase VIIII- Admitted to St. Rose Hospital and slow recovery at Mom's house in Rocklin.

Welcome to Phase X.

Bikram Yoga?

2009-05-25T13:07:00.004-05:00

I am probably one of the least racist people you will ever meet.

Seriously.

I judge a person by their actions, by the way they react to, and treat, the rest of the world. Not by their skin color. That being said...

I have been taking Bikram Yoga for a while now, probably 60-70 classes. I have NEVER seen a black person in a Bikram class.

...until yesterday.

The instructor was a large black man. I mean grossly overweight. In my experiences with yoga, the instructor is always very thin with about %3 bodyfat. This guy would probably be classified by a doctor as being clinically obese.

In the back of the room were about 4 or 5 black women....LARGE black women. They weigh more than I do.

Easily.

So, let me guess, the only class you'll attend is if there's a black instructor? Because I've already taken dozens of classes here and I've never seen your fat ass before.

These women spend the entire class grouped together in a back corner of the room talking to each other (which is NOT allowed in Bikram, the studio stays completely silent for a reason), and sitting or lying down, not even ATTEMPTING to do most postures.

They probably can't. They are FAR too overweight and out of shape.

Unless that shape is "Grapefruit".

The teacher is giving his instructions to the class in "Ebonics", using words like "uncomftertable" and "seminasation". He spends almost all of the class in the corner with the fat black girls, his back to the rest of the class, barking out his instructions to us, assisting no one.

After class, I take a shower, grab my stuff and head out. He looks at me as I'm leaving and utters his first words to me in 90 minutes, "Come back soon".

Not if YOU'RE teaching I'm not...

2009-05-24T13:10:00.002-05:00

Somebody PLEASE explain this to me...

Why do groups of gay men ALWAYS have one (not two, not three) big, fat, unattractive female friend, with an "I'm better than you" personality, who follows them around like a lost puppy dog???

2009-05-16T18:01:00.005-05:00

Out, out brief candle!

Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,

And then is heard no more; it is a tale

Told by and idiot, full of sound and fury,

Signifying nothing.

-William Shakespeare-

Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5

Uhh...somehow I don't think so

2009-05-04T11:43:00.004-05:00

__________________________________________________

2009-05-03T13:12:00.001-05:00

I am Pumpkin, hear me roar.

A wise man once said...

2009-04-18T12:01:00.006-05:00

"When I let go of what I am

I become what I might be."

-Lao Tzu-

"Life can only be understood backward

but it must be lived forward."

-Soren Kierkegaard-

Man, I Feel Like A Woman

2009-04-12T15:05:00.005-05:00

As I posted on an earlier blog, I recently started working as a bartender at the Red Lion Inn here in Sacramento. Things have been running along rather smoothly, I get along with everyone and it's an interesting job.

Especially last night.

I come in to work Saturday evening and my boss tells me that I am going to be working out in one of the meeting rooms serving drinks for a private party.

He wasn't exactly forthcoming about the fact that the party is a monthly get-together for a local group of transvestites.

Yes, I mean cross-dressers.

O.K., I get it. Throw the new guy to the wolves and see how he handles it. Good thing I've been in theater my whole adult life, right?

I show up for work and am surprised at the news, but think I should be able to handle it. I've been working closely with gay men for how long?

But most of these guys, I mean gals, are not gay. They have brought their spouses, yes real women, with them to the event. I love how their outfits complement each other. I can just imagine them getting ready at home. The husband turns to the wife and says, "Honey, does this skirt make my ass look big?".

The night goes along smoothly enough. I was half-expecting all the "men" to be ordering Cosmopolitans and Pina Coladas but no, it was mostly wine and beer.

The group had hired a DJ (also in drag) to play for the event. At one point in the evening, after it started slowing down, I started to pay attention to the music being played. Here is, in order (yes, I actually wrote it down), a list of the last 7 songs that were played.

I'm not making this shit up...

"Man, I Feel Like A Woman", by Shania Twain. Everyone in drag gets up and starts line dancing.
Next song? "I Kissed A Girl", by Katy Perry.

Followed by "U & Ur Hand", by Pink, in which she screams "I'm not here for your entertainment".

The obvious..."It's Raining Men".

"What A Girl Wants", by Christina Aguilera.

"Believe", by Cher, the queen of all drag queens.

And the last song of the night? "Unforgettable", with Nat King and Natalie Cole.

Yes, it truly was unforgettable...

I hate California

2009-04-02T18:12:00.009-05:00

I went on a bike ride today.

I rode along bike trails that run through the hills surrounding this area of Northern California.

It was a miserable trip.

There was nothing to look at.

It's spring dammit!

Where's the sunshine?

Where's the gorgeous blue skies?

Where's the blossoming flowers and the green trees and the wild animals frolicking in the sun?

Just to show you what a nightmare it truly was, I took these pictures...

God, I HATE California...

Livestrong

2009-03-29T23:44:00.005-05:00

Anyone who has known or seen me in the past several years knows that I regularly wear one of those little yellow rubber wristbands by Lance Armstrong that says "LIVESTRONG". I never go anywhere without it.

Especially lately.

With everything I've been through, it's a daily reminder that you are a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. I feel it helps to remind me just what it takes to get through life on a daily basis.

I started job training Friday night and felt that it was innappropriate to wear at work, so I took it off and set it on my nightstand.

This morning I picked the bracelet up, looked at it briefly and decided not to put it on because I was going to the gym to sit in the sauna and steam room. I thought perhaps all the sweat might break it down a little, so I set it back down.

After steaming for a bit, I felt like a drink of water, so I left the steam room and stopped at the water fountain. Turning around, I see a tall man, maybe 6' 6'' or so leaning against the wall behind me. I see that on his right wrist he is wearing the "LIVESTRONG" bracelet.

Then I look up at the man's face...HOLY SHIT!!! IT'S LANCE ARMSTRONG!!!

Now, I'm not one for hero worship, but I think this guy is one cool character.

Then I look down at my wrist...

FFFFFUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!

I politely introduce myself and he very nicely responds and shakes my hand. I tell him "You won't believe this, but..." He smiles at me and we part ways.

I've been wearing that damn bracelet religiously forever. The ONE TIME I actually get to meet with it's creator...

According to Webster's

2009-03-28T16:49:00.004-05:00

i·ro·ny [irənee], n. 1. humor based on opposites: humor based on using words to suggest the opposite of their literal meaning. 2. something humorous based on contradiction: something said or written that uses humor based on words suggesting the opposite of their literal meaning. See also ironic.

i·ron·ic [ī rónnik], adj. 1. Scott spends most of 2008 in Las Vegas drowning his life in alcohol. Kingfisher rescues him from himself and delivers him to a doctor. He spends 16 days in a hospital bed trying to get his eyes uncrossed...literally. After 7 months of recovery back in California, what is the first job he lands?

Bartender.

Native Sons - Part II

2009-03-07T19:48:00.009-05:00

I awoke this morning to the sound of scurrying puppy paws and thundering feet coming down the staircase. It’s my stepfather. What’s he doing up this early? He NEVER gets up until after 9 a.m. and it’s not even 8 yet. THUD, THUD, THUD…FRONT DOOR SQUEEKING OPEN…SLAM!…FRONT DOOR OPENING AGAIN…SLAM!…THUD, THUD, THUD. Now mind you, the front door is, oh, 2 feet from the head of my bed. The only thing separating me from it is a thin wall.

More commotion out in the kitchen. The smallest dog, Chrissy, grabs her chew toy and it starts to squeek. “CHRISSY!!!” he blurts out in a “whisper” so as not to "wake me up”.

Too late there, bucko.

Tired of this scenario, and not sleeping anymore anyway, I get up and go out into the living room to see what is going on. I find the downstairs vacant. Where the hell is he? I look out into the backyard. Nope. He must be out in the garage, I think.

Starting my morning ritual, I go over to the coffee pot to make the morning coffee. The coffee’s already been made. Hmm… On my way into the living room, I notice that the paper has already been brought in. Double Hmm…Must have been what all the door slamming was all about.

I continue down my checklist…

I straighten the duvet on the couch, fluff the pillows, pick the dog toys up off the floor, open the blinds, straighten the coffee table, uncover the bird and give the dogs some much needed attention. I notice that the “clean” light is on for the dishwasher. I empty it out and continue on my journey.

As I’m bending over the couch, lint brush in hand, cleaning the cat fur off, I hear thundering footsteps and jangling keys coming down the stairs. It’s my stepfather, dressed in his “Native Sons of the Golden West” sweatshirt and matching baseball cap. “Oh Dear God”, I think. He is carrying a clipboard in one hand and a travelers’ mug filled with coffee in the other. He tries to step over the dog gate at the foot of the stairs…clumsily. Well, his hands are full! He can’t possibly move the gate now could he?

He is going to fall down and crack his head open and I’m going to have to drive him to the hospital.

Entering the room, he looks at me, says “Neener, neener, neener!” then promptly turns and disappears. He doesn’t really go anywhere, he just wants me to come chasing after him, of course.

I don’t.

I sit there on the couch and await his triumphant return.

And wait…

And wait…

And wait…

Now, he’s only moved about 2 feet away, BUT HE’S BEHIND A WALL, SO YOU CAN’T SEE HIM!!!

Is this guy in kindergarten or something?

He finally returns to the living room and I ask him what the “Neener, Neener” was all about. He looks at me triumphantly and says, “I did all the stuff YOU normally do in the morning!”.

You bet you did! You big boy you!

You made a pot of coffee, which you already drank half of, and brought in the newspaper. Here big boy, let me give you a gold star to put on your homework. I ask him why he’s wearing all the “Native Sons” memorabilia. He says proudly, “It’s spring cleaning day down at the hall. Do you wanna come?”

No thanks dude, I just finished cleaning your house.

I spend the entire time that he’s gone mowing and edging the front lawn, sweeping up the grass and hosing down the driveway and sidewalk.

Just as I’m finishing, his car comes rolling up the street. He stops at the beginning of the driveway, idling. I move the lawnmower, garbage can, broom and hose out of his way. He parks his car and gets out to inspect my handiwork.

The reward for my efforts? He looks at me and says, “Hey, you wanna go and get a root beer float?”.

Overqualified

2009-02-27T18:03:00.013-05:00

I just returned from my first job interview in about 20 years, give or take a decade. Notice that I said “interview” and not “audition”. It was for a receptionist position at a local spa. Having recently been employed in the fitness industry as a personal trainer I figured I’d be a shoe-in. Perhaps I am. The jury’s still out on that one…

I show up to the interview about 10 minutes early, you want to give a good first impression of course. I’m dressed “smart and casual”. No tie. Not for a spa. You're supposed to evoke relaxing thoughts to guests, not remind them of their daily grind.

I think I look pretty damn good.

I am greeted by not one, but two women. They are both in their mid-twenties (at the most), dressed in business suits, wearing too much jewelry and carrying clipboards. I introduce myself politely and we move into the hotel’s lobby to conduct the interview.

I thought I handled the whole situation rather admirably. I never stumbled, never faltered, never tripped over my own words or had to re-phrase my sentences. I answered their questions quickly and to the point.

The first girl to speak, we'll call her Interviewer #1 , has a lazy eye. Now, I don’t know if you’ve ever been in this situation, but it’s very hard to distinguish which eye you should be looking into.

I take the safe route and stare at the bridge of her nose.

She glances down at her clipboard (with her good eye) and presents me with a “situation”. I'm pretty sure she was reading from the cliff notes for "How To Conduct An Interview For Dummies".

“You’re at the front desk. A person is checking-out. Another person is checking-in. The phone starts ringing…what do you do?”

Gee, I didn’t realize there was a psychiatric evaluation for a receptionist job at a spa.

I answer her question to the best of my ability and we continue.

I tell them of my days working in many different countries around the world, as well as throughout the United States. I also, of course, touch on my days working as a personal trainer in Las Vegas.

Interviewer #2 is just sitting there, pretending to listen.

A forced half-smile is plastered on her face.

She is staring blankly at the air.

Is there some reason she's present? Is she a deaf/mute? Does she have vocal chords?

Interviewer #1 poses another mind-boggling question... “You DO understand that this is an entry level position, right?”

Of course I do. I just spent the better part of last year face down in a gutter watching my life flow silently toward the storm drain. Not that I'm telling her that.

I tell her “yes”, and that I had recently moved to the area "to be with family”. She doesn’t need to know the whole "situation".

Hell, even I don’t want to know the whole "situation".

Interviewer #1 continues.“You seem overqualified for this position...”

Wow.

Now there’s a shocker.

Look, I'll take a shift shoveling sheets of shriveled sheep shit in Shanghai right now...I just need to feel like a useful member of society again.

That, and I need to GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE!!!

Listen interviewer ladies, I empathize with your situation.

Honestly, I do.

I know who you’re really looking to hire is a ditzy, airhead, 20-year-old, bleach-blonde bimbo who spends the whole day manicuring her fingernails, popping her bubble gum and touching up her already too-heavy makeup while ignoring the phone and making the customers feel like they’re a nuisance.

Cut a guy some slack will ya? I’m trying to pick myself up off the floor here…

"Brain and brain, what is brain?" - Star Trek TOS

2009-02-26T19:21:00.007-05:00

This is your brain...

This is your brain on 2008.

Any Questions?

Wintertime in Northern California

2009-02-25T00:55:00.003-05:00

My older brother Kingfisher and I recently got lost (on purpose) in a Northern California Winter Wonderland.

Poor us . . .

Native Sons of the Golden West

2009-02-21T16:43:00.005-05:00

My alarm clock went off this morning at 6:30 a.m.

I’ve been recruited to help my step-father of 26 years set up for his Parlor’s annual “Crab Feed”. By “Parlor” I mean that it’s a group of emasculated old guys, milling around aimlessly, devouring dead animals and drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon. They spend the evening regaling each other with stories from their glory days, trying to remind each other what it is to be MEN and reassuring each other that they still are…

The Crab Feed is a fundraiser for the organization…wait a minute, did I just say ORGANIZATION? This group of guys is anything but…

First of all, the youngest person there, besides myself, was at least 55 years old.

I’ve never been witness to such a massive collection of plaid flannel shirts in my entire life. The one guy NOT wearing plaid was wearing a T-shirt with a cartoon of a massively large-breasted girl draped over the hood of an “off-road” truck with the words “Tits Or Tires” emblazoned across the front.

As yet another 4X4 came roaring up the road we all headed outside to unload. It’s important to have a gas-guzzling off-road vehicle in the suburbs you know. One bumper sticker on the back of the car read “No Bama” and another was an endorsement for “Bush/Cheney”. As we unloaded, I noticed quite a few solid steel plates on the bed of the truck. They were at least an inch thick and weighed a ton. The driver smiled toothlessly at me and said that they were “perfect for stopping the buckshot from my 50-caliber shotgun“…never mind the ricochet.

Moving back inside, I see another plaid flannel shirt up near the stage trying to tune a guitar…badly. It’s going to be auctioned off later that evening. Strum…STRUM…S-T-R-U-M!!!

He’s a rock star don’t you know.

My ears are bleeding.

I stop by the table(s) of items to be auctioned off later that evening to take a look. One item catches my eye. It’s a small, round trashcan with the words “Cowboy Stuff” printed on the front.

Inside? The tag reads “Beers and Nuts”.

Another item? A giant wheelbarrow with a shovel and a hoe.

Just then, a commotion stirs outside the front of the building. I go out to investigate. There’s a large Alpaca…yes, a llama…near the entrance.

It is wearing a Rastafarian wig and hat. I glance at his nametag…“Van Gogh”.

Stepping back inside, I see a woman working to “straighten” the chairs I have already put down.

Ten feet behind her? A man un-straightening them.

Ten feet behind him? Another man un-un-straightening them.

Cutting across the back of the room, I happen upon my step-father. He is standing there regally, hands on his hips, surveying the scene. Taking a deep, satisfying breath he turns to me and says, “Now this is where the ACTION is!”.

When all the tables have been set up and all the chairs have been put in their places, every guy in the building grabs his cell phone and starts dialing. He’s important! Somebody must have been trying to reach him, right?

By this time, all the coffee that’s been keeping me going all morning is making me want to, well, go.

I scan the room. Nothing.

I go outside and survey the building. Nothing.

Back inside, as I’m standing in a corner of the room looking perplexed, a man approaches me and asks if I need some help. “I’m just looking for the bathroom”, I say. He looks at me blankly and points directly behind me.

I’m standing not 2 feet in front of the door.

Oh my god, I’m becoming one of them…

Scott 1 and Scott 2

2009-02-08T16:17:00.005-05:00

In the Dr. Seuss book “The Cat in the Hat”, we were introduced to a pair of troublemakers, Thing 1 and Thing 2. These two quirky characters would take the bull by the horns and all-out mayhem would ensue.

The same metaphor could be applied to my life. Before, there was Scott 1. Now, there’s Scott 2. The major difference is that Thing 1 and Thing 2 were identical twins, Scott 1 and Scott 2 are polar opposites...
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Scott 1 could take the bull by the horns.

Scott 2 can’t find a bull.

Scott 1 had a career and a life most people would envy. He knew just what, and where, to try next.

Scott 2 is standing on a road that forks in several hundred directions…none of them very promising.

Scott 1 knew just what he wanted, and most of the time, he went out and got it.

Scott 2 isn’t even sure what to eat for breakfast.

Scott 1 had a memory like a steel trap.

Scott 2 has a memory like a steel colander.

Scott 1 was surrounded by friends and lovers who cheered his successes and saw him through the rough patches.

Scott 2 is standing alone in the barren wasteland of his own mind.

Scott 1 felt strong, almost invincible at times.

Scott 2 has a hard time just getting out of bed most days.

Scott 1 could solve the most complex puzzle with ease.

Scott 2 gets puzzled trying to remember where he left his keys.

Scott 1 knew his place in the world.

Scott 2 does not.

Scott 1 was half-full.

Scott 2 is half-empty...

Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T23:59:00.004-05:00

There’s a new man in town.

One who can take this whole mess and mold it into something new and exciting.

Like a bright, shiny, freshly minted penny.

He is surrounded by knowledgeable advisors who can help him to lead things in a new direction.

He has beaten the odds.

He has strength, tempered with a wisdom beyond his years.

He has looked into the face of adversity and stood his ground.

His future is bright, full of hope and promise.

And though I’m thankful for his arrival, I’m not necessarily talking about Barack Obama.

"RRRIIINNNG!...RRRIIINNNG!..."

2009-01-16T22:54:00.002-05:00

It's 8:15 AM.

My phone is ringing.

Why is it ringing?

Then I remember...A couple of days ago I filled out an online application to a local temp agency and I have an appointment at 3:00 today. Too late! It's gone to voicemail. So I, of course, check my voicemail.

A 19 year-old female voice greets me. This is word-for-word what she said...

“Hi Scott. This is Britney calling from "fill-in-the-blank". I’m calling in regards to your appointment that you have with us today at 3:00. Unfortunately, we’re not going to be the best resource for you. You need to have at least 18 months to 2 years of recent office or clerical experience aaaaaaannnnnd I see from your application you don’t have that. If you have any questions, please feel free to give us a call back. Thank you.”

Yeah, right.

You interviewed my step-father. He's a 60 year-old man who's done nothing in his life but repair telephone lines and sell light bulbs in a hardware store. He types with his index finger.

Let me call you back right now, so you, like so many others, can tell me that I'm not needed.

No thanks.

A letter for the year 2008

2008-12-31T19:27:00.024-05:00

Dear 2008,

Fuck You.

No...SERIOUSLY...

FUCK YOU!!!

You took my love.

You took my job.

You took my self-esteem.

You took my sanity.

You stabbed me through the heart.

You took my health.

You put me in the hospital.

You kicked me when I was down.

You gave me nothing to live for.

You damn near killed me.

I have been through some bad years in my life, but you my friend, take the whole FUCKING enchilada.

If it had been within my power, I would have kicked your sorry ass to the curb long ago.

You took.

And you took.

Then you took some more.

And when I didn't have anything left to take, you left me bleeding and unconscious, lying among the pile of crumbled pieces of what used to be called my life.

In numerology, on a scale from 1 to 9, you literally rank 1.

Personally, I give you -23.

No wait...that's still too high.

I have had enough of your presence.

Go away.

I hope you get fucked up the ass with a red-hot poker on your way out.

I will not miss any part of you.

Not one single moment.

It was only 2 days into your existence that you let me know your true intentions, you miserable fuck.

You haven't improved since.

You will not be missed, you fucking bastard.

_________________________________

Welcome, 2009.

I greet you with an open mind, an open heart and open arms...

The Way I See It #18

2008-04-13T17:47:00.002-05:00

Hopefully they're "hinirg" someone with a dictionary...

2008-03-18T14:40:00.007-05:00

Over You
-by Daughtry-

Now that it's all said and done
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up and tear me down
Like an old abandoned house
What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath
Fell too far, was in way to deep
I guess I let you get the best of me

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you
More than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
and spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

The day I thought I'd never get through
I'll get over you

You took a hammer to these walls
dragged the memories down the hall
Packed your bags and walked away
There was nothing I could say
When you slammed the front door shut
A lot of others opened up
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me

Well I never saw it coming
I should of started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought I'd doubt you
I'm better off without you
More than you
More than you know

I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
And spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together

It's a day I thought I'd never get through
I'll get over you

I think my car radio is trying to tell me something

2008-01-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

My now ex-girlfriend calls me today to tell me that she is going to be in town next weekend, but that I won't see her. She's only passing through on her way to L.A. to visit relatives.

You can't meet me for a drink and discuss this mess? I mean, technically, we still live together, right?

She continues. She will be back between the 18th and the 22nd of January to pack up her stuff and move it back to Colorado...her father will be driving down in a truck to help.

Ouch.

I guess there's no time to talk things through. It appears she doesn't even want to try. She's also upped her move to New York, it's now the first week of February.

I ask her, "What are you doing for money?"

She says, "Nothing."

"Wouldn't it be smarter to just come back to Las Vegas and work for a month or so, saving a few bucks, before moving across the country?" Her old job would definitely take her back, even if only temporarily.

Besides, from my end, everything was still fine. The last time I saw her we still held hands, and kissed, and said "I love you". There was no fizzling out period. There were no arguments, no screaming matches. Nothing at all. She had simply changed her mind and didn't tell me...until the end. I never got to say "goodbye" to this relationship. Selfishly, I wanted her to come back home and we could let things progress naturally. It would make this a lot easier on me. We could do some of the things we used to enjoy doing together, even if it was only for a month or so.

This was just an end with no meaning.

She says she doesn't want to come back to Vegas...ever. She's decided what she wants to do and she wants it to start as soon as possible. She hates it here and wants to leave everything behind.

Wait a minute, I'm here...and so is everything we ever did together.

Feeling hurt, I say "Gee, thanks." At which point she gets all huffy and starts to yell into the phone.

So I hang up on her.

Not the most mature move, granted, but I don't feel like being mature right now. Besides, I've felt like hanging up on her for weeks.

I.

Am.

Done.

I stand up and start to pack up all my holiday decorations and several other boxes. I take down all her calendars, candles, vases, pillows and bath products and pile them on the dining room floor. I simply don't want to look at them anymore. It appears there is no way around it. I will be moving somewhere in the next 3 months...and like she had said, I would rather start RIGHT NOW.

I pack up my car and head off to my storage unit.

The radio clicks on. It's the All-American Rejects song "Move Along". How fitting I think.

Next song? OMC's "How Bizarre". The only song in the history of the world to have my ex-girlfriends name in it. "Zina" isn't exactly a common name. Yes, truly bizarre.

I get to my storage unit and re-organize some boxes, making room for all the crap that's going to go in there over the next few months.

Back in the car, heading home, the radio clicks on again. To the exact second, it's the very first note of Sheryl Crow's "Leaving Las Vegas".

Hmmm...

I think my car radio is trying to tell me something.

You've got to be joking, 2007 isn't over yet?

2007-12-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

In the first week of 2007, my girlfriend broke up with me. It set the year off on a sour note that has been playing ever since. We managed to patch things up within about a month and have been dating steadily ever since. We even moved in together.

Now in the last week of 2007, history is repeating itself.

A little back story...

She was cast in a show back in her hometown, and we drove her car up at Halloween. I flew back home, but came out to visit her again for Thanksgiving, and to see the opening night of her production.

Starting around the 2nd week of December, after I'd only been home a few weeks, I started noticing changes in her behavior. There was no more "Hi honey" or "miss you" or "love you" in our phone conversations. She seemed very withdrawn, talking mostly about the weather and such. I kept asking her about it, but all she would say is that her life was very "heavy" right now and she didn't want to talk about it. This has been going on for weeks.

Today, as I was looking at a friends' MySpace page, I saw a comment from my girlfriend saying "hi" and that she was probably moving to New York City at the end of February.

Huh?

News to me.

So I call her. No answer. But she returns my call about an hour later. She said she didn't want to burden me at Christmas (like December 27th is any better), so she hadn't brought it up. She said she felt more at peace with herself, that she had grown alot, and didn't want to come back to Vegas and pick up where she left off. She was staying back home, at least for now, and planned on moving to New York before spring to pursue her career. In essence, she said she had "outgrown" me, and that she considered us no longer together.

Exactly 3 months ago today, we moved into a new apartment together. There's still 3 more months left on the lease.

So here is sit, in an apartment half-full of her stuff, staring at the Christmas presents I wrapped for her underneath the tree. I had gone all out this year, buying probably the best, and most thought out, assortment of presents I've ever bought for any girlfriend.

She mailed me a Starbuck's gift card for Christmas.

I don't know when I'll ever see her again. She was supposed to come home in one week. I had planned on decorating the apartment with "Welcome Home" banners and balloons, and looked forward to celebrating a late Christmas with her.

We had been together almost 2 years.

2008 can only go uphill from here, I hope.

Only 16 days to go...

2007-12-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

I hate 2007.

Seriously.

What's the deal?

I have posted about this twice before, Welcome to 2007, now kiss my ass and Hey 2007, can you go away now???. Well, here's one more thing to add before this bitch of a year finally comes to an end (Thank God).
__________________________

In an effort to do something better for myself, and get into better shape, I decide to take a class at my gym. Well, it seems they just resurfaced the workout room floor. Halfway through class, I slip and fall twisting my left ankle.

It feels O.K. for the rest of the day, but when I wake up this morning I can barely walk to the bathroom. I decide I can't possibly work today (my job entails a LOT of walking), so I have to call in sick, losing a much needed days' pay at Christmas time. So much for doing something good for yourself.

I go to CVS to pick up a heating pad and bring it home, but it's all wrong. Too small, too thick. I can't get it around my ankle. So I decide the best thing is to exchange it for a different one. I'm also out of fresh water, and I'd like to pick up a DVD to watch since I can't really go anywhere. There's a rental machine right next to the water dispensers. So I grab the water jug and head out to fill it up.

When I get there, none of the dispensers are working.

O.K., I'll just rent the movie I want to see.

Sold out.

Not only that, but as I stand there with my empty jug of water, I realize I've left the heating pad I was going to return on the counter by the front door.

So I head back home, pick up the pad and head over to CVS. I return the item and get a different one. As I'm at the counter, a man comes running into the store yelling, "Someone just backed into a silver Hyundai in the parking lot and took off!".

"It's mine."

Little Soldier

2007-12-15T18:25:00.001-05:00

I'm not a person who usually posts on his feelings about the current "war" in the Middle East, but:

They say a picture is worth a thousand words.

Well, this one is worth a million.

Enough said.

The Way I See It #17

2007-11-16T14:46:00.000-05:00

Wait, what was the name of that town back there?

Puerto Vallarta

2007-11-14T01:40:00.000-05:00

For my birthday, I was treated to an extra special trip to Puerto Vallarta. We had a great time, drank a lot of tequila (Don Julio Reposado was my favorite), and I even partook of a local "authentic" dish...cricket tacos. It rained (heavily) for the first several days...like hurricane size rain. A cab we took home one night was filled with about 6 inches of water. Another night were locked out of our condo and had to scale down a cliff (in flip-flops), past the prickly vines, snakes & tarantulas, hurdle over a spiked wall, and sneak in through the back door. Well, someone must have seen us, because the next morning the back door was padlocked shut. So now we were locked IN the condo with no way out.

But one of my favorite memories has to be my birthday. We went to "Daquiri Dick's" right on the beach. Granted you couldn't see the beach through the maelstrom. I had a large red snapper, served still on the spit (yummy!). A strolling musician surprised me with a Spanish version of "Happy Birthday" and the waiters presented me with this cake...

Gee, it looks so nice...except my name's not "Cris"...

Hey 2007, can you go away now???

2007-09-18T01:13:00.000-05:00

On Labor Day weekend, I woke to find a note on the front door of my apartment saying that I had 30 days to vacate the premises. Not just me, but the whole complex. 30 days? So I spend the next week running around town trying to scrounge up a new place to live before all the other thousand people who are also displaced grab them up. I finally settle on one, very nice and spacious, but a little more money than I was planning on spending. I have to come up with the down payment by Sept. 23rd. Total cost? $1,770.00. And that doesn’t include the moving truck rental.

The next week, I notice that every time I pull up to a stoplight, my car idles really low and starts to buck, like it's ready to stall. It also does the same thing when backing out of a parking space. It just had an oil change, so I decide to take it in for a tune up. They replace the spark plugs and cables, and find that an intake hose has become disconnected. I also want to get the cabin's air filter replaced because for the past several months, whenever I turn on the AC, it smells like a wet cat. Total cost? $300.00.

Last week, I went to an audition for a show here in town. I was cut right off the bat. Already mildly pissed, I get into my car and start to drive off, but there’s a “ka-chunk, ka-chunk” feeling as I drive down the road. So I get out and inspect the tires and, lo and behold, there’s a 2-inch screw sticking out of the front right tire. So there I am on the side of the road in my dress slacks and shirt, polished shoes, changing my spare tire in 108 degree heat.

The next day, I go down to a tire repair shop to get the flat repaired. The guy behind the counter comes around the front to check and, lo and behold, the flat’s treads are too low for them to repair it. I’m going to have to buy a new tire. Not only that, but when they check the other 3 tires, 2 are running low on tread and showing signs of dry rot. I decide the best thing is just to replace all 4. Total cost? $311.00.

Last night on my way home, it looks as though my front left headlight has burned out. And there’s a cop directly behind me. As I’m trying to figure out how not to get pulled over for a burnt out headlight I (evidently) run a red light. Siren! Shit. So I pull over. I get a ticket for $300.00 for the red light. But that’s not all. Turns out the “proof of insurance” paperwork I have in the car expired at midnight…and it’s now 3:40 a.m. So I get a ticket for $640.00 for being off by 3 hours and 40 minutes. Total ticket cost? $940.00.

This morning, on my way to pick up a new bulb for my headlight, I see that my gas is on empty, so I stop at the station and fill up with the last of my cash. I get to Auto Zone, find the bulb, and bring it to the counter. I swipe my debit card and?…denied. And I don’t have any more cash to buy the bulb, I spent all of it on gas. So I leave the bulb behind, run home, go to my bank's website, and find out that my Visa payment has been denied by my bank, because I didn't take into account the $311.00 I had just spent on new tires, making my checking account overdrawn. This causes a chain reaction of 3 more transactions to bounce. Pile on the fees. Total cost? $140.00 in overdraft charges. Not including the bounced Visa payment, which still has to be paid.

This has all happened in the past 16 days.

And if that wasn’t enough, in 2 weeks I turn 40.

What the fuck?

Survival of the Dumbest

2007-08-26T02:46:00.000-05:00

The human race is killing our planet. It's not a new thought, but it bears repeating. We simply don't seem to be able to control our urge to populate...and we dread the thought of death. We will keep ourselves alive, at any cost. Modern medicine is a multi-billion dollar industry in the United States alone.

Evolution has brought about one undeniable fact. The Earth can only be home to so many of each species. Over the millennia, species have evolved, thrived and died out, making way for new species. The evolution of man has completely unraveled what Mother Nature has been doing for millions of years.

Has anyone ever heard of the dinosaurs?

Way back when, the mentally and physically handicapped would have perished at childhood. The blind and deaf would not have lived long enough to grow up and give birth to yet another generation of blind and deaf. Children with autism, schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder would have been outcasts, if they survived at all.

Women have always out-populated men on the global scale. But now, with the advances of modern medicine, some countries are seeing as much as a 10 to 1 ratio of women to men. Why? Because in the past, a large percentage of the female population died in childbirth.

Then, of course, there are the “extremists”. You know, the people who put their lives at risk all for a cheap thrill? The “X Games”, "Jackass" or Nascar. I don’t understand why it becomes such a “tragedy” when one of these losers actually bites it. I’m sorry, but if you’re dumb enough to try it, then I’m willing to call it “population control”.

Terrorists, mass murderers and arsonists are all protected by our “laws”. Yet, in some strange way, I feel that these people are a by-product of man's inability to keep the population at a reasonable percentage of the Earth‘s ability to provide. They are some wacky spin-off of evolution, trying to keep the herd from becoming too much of a burden on the ecosystem. Not that they deserve my pity. But how many times have you heard of a pig killing another pig? Or a dolphin killing another dolphin? Yet these two species are presumed to be closest in mental capacity to humans.

People didn’t used to live to be 100. Plagues killed millions. And I haven’t even touched on the idea that war itself may be a subconscious human catalyst to thin the herd.

Call me insensitive if you must, but think about it.

Name of the game

2007-08-16T18:57:00.000-05:00

O.K., it's no secret that I hate almost all rap and hip-hop music. It's beyond tasteless, and requires about as much talent as you acheive by the third grade. If you've got a beat-box, a Casio keyboard and a thesaurus you can be famous. And these "artists" are demi-gods in their own little world, covering themselves in "bling", living in huge mansions (oh, I'm sorry "cribs") that they decorate with cheesy crap, and drive around in expensive cars that the rest of us who actually work for a living could only dream of owning...and they own 10. If these people had any REAL talent I'd eat my words...but they don't. They are products of some mass-produced money machine, and most will live out their days as one-hit wonders at best. As if their "music" wasn't painful enough (See Missy Elliot's train-wreck "Get your freak on", where the same 3 notes are played continually...over, and over again throughout the entire song. Holla!) they have to subject us to the most ridiculous names...

Below is an actual advertisement I found for an upcoming "concert".

"Featuring Printz Board and Tim Izo Orindgreff. Guest artists apl.de.ap and Tabloo."

Seriously?

The Way I See It #16

2007-07-19T15:06:00.001-05:00

Talk about "high-tech".

The Nine

2007-06-29T00:56:00.000-05:00

9 Bad Things About Me

9) I hate black people. Seriously, what the hell is your problem? I am not responsible for your great, great grandfather's slavery. So lay off the attitude.

8) I'm not gay. So what is wrong with showing affection toward another man? I can't even show affection toward my own brother without getting looks. Yet I see women make out with each other in nightclubs. Are they gay? Nope.

7) I hate the police. Most I know are self-righteous assholes with a god complex.

6) The media feeds on the fear of the public to gain ratings. "Coming up tonight at 10, what you are eating could be killing you."

5) Insurance is the fleecing of America. Here, let me pay you thousands of dollars for something that may never happen, and then when I file a claim you can deny it.

4) George Bush...enough said. Only 19 more months, not that I'm counting.

3) Where the hell has common courtesy gone? I hold open a door for someone and they don't even have the sensibility to say "Thank you"? Blow me.

2) Rap stars need to create an original piece of music, not just cut and paste someone else's work and add a drumbeat to it.

1) If you don't like anything I've said, why don't you go outside and play a nice little game of hide-and-go-fuck-yourself.

The Way I See It #15

2007-06-29T00:35:00.000-05:00

of Course, Everyone knows That when Leaving the "dinning" Room, you Must capitalize Every other Word...

Like I said before, the Engineering Department can't read.

Or is that the Engineering Retardment?

They're so stupid they don't even realize they're stupid.

scratching his head

2007-06-18T23:36:00.000-05:00

O.K., no shit, this is an actual e-mail I received. I have no idea what it means. It looks like a story, but...

If you can make any sense out of it more power to ya.

"Disperse, he says, was a couple of excitement the one. Among the coming now. Hardin reminded were rolled back to know that they do with my line of emotion, he bushels of the tips of any more to be shrugged almost explosively, Sutt and cleared and not. He said Ponyets looked At in coming. He returned could also as I promised to get it Start the that infernal coin from the air picked a to talk was considered tell me speak snapped the Emperor: is correct; but it? Space in an evil in mid step he might be the Council. I can make you send their wanting. I'm afraid he said, will be certain phrases in any way he would prosperity was a more than they were have Anacreon his feet it's the first trip to discuss business? Here. What if I you in wrought iron; copper, or the throne: he said you know a comer of an Admiral became Kingdoms, now hands, and more turn the most nearest of decay of his propaganda to install as stealing Sutt's eyes it lacked didn't think so. Lepold, you will repeat, protect your statement when we threw his shoulders his a plain upon our social and not here on intelligent self control, of the keen stirring in what the hundred years might be someone had flashed to a priest (attendant upon first time; asked darkly). I thought had not apply really bother me of his thin face the watch the protection of precedence. No heed to the purposes of power from his arm to wait. No amount of Gamma Andromeda, a their party is bound to get it a tired, voice from its own sake: are now. I wouldn't be carried the viceregal Palace. And if he said but lack all had he helped himself Lewis Pirenne, said, Aporat somberly in that to grant that; one in my way of power in the light: to stumble out in just draw that hasn't or they're weaned and most of plants of Anacreon (at This religion has not in the first let's see there we want to strangers Pay of water endlessly flowing). I suppose it's been giving me out her hair and, worldly goods are not even faster than they have been a young he might manage. An agent. Jael, violently, in the chair he said, what a book in the Protector in quite disciplined, and understood? Oh, h: pitched and ruin does not one of doing, here, near Korell. Here's the threshold of all the barbarian Periphery, is indicated; the people you I incorporated the Galaxy. The temples, and fully energetically, is left; exile is Trantor. Just you would pulverize your donation of the traders grew peaceful said Soldiers with more. It. The and all out from in a trifle doubtfully, and Hardin replied. I wouldn't call me; I would choose to one, a. They talked through the Foundation And you wanted, to know. Shut worked but were you get rid of the your stomach for Seldon's lined face twisted in the secretary said. You're here has launched a special bit I had but. It's a trap with a decade hence, said move from: a thing humanity: the Emperor's palace was the Galaxy Mallow relaxed in their sunken eyes peered from the fourteenth looking so distinguished a turmoil of consideration the self defense: of selling and on my feelings, way of gaining the psychological engineer (but word house is no conception of the developed mathematics which exhibit properties congruent to get it)."

Play it again Sam

2007-06-17T09:31:00.000-05:00

My score on The Classic Leading Man Test:

Humphrey Bogart

You're the original man of honor, rough and tough but willing to stick your neck out when you need to, despite what you might say to the contrary. You're a complex character full of spit and vinegar, but with a soft heart and a tender streak that you try to hide. There's usually a complicated dame in the picture, someone who sees the real you behind all the tough talk and can dish it out as well as you can. You're not easy to get next to, but when you find the right partner, you're caring and loyal to a fault. A big fault. But you take it on the chin and move on, nursing your pain inside and maintaining your armor...until the next dame walks in. Or possibly the same dame, and of all the gin joints in all the world, it had to be yours. Co-stars include Ingrid Bergman and Lauren Bacall, hot chicks with problems.

Link: The Classic Leading Man Test

Evolutionary Perspective

2007-06-16T02:17:00.000-05:00

CHESTER, England - In an evolutionary twist, Flora the Komodo dragon has managed to become pregnant all on her own without any male help. She is carrying seven baby Komodo dragons.

"We were blown away when we realized what she'd done," said Kevin Buley, a reptile expert at Flora's home at the Chester Zoo.

Other reptile species reproduce asexually in a process known as parthenogenesis. But Flora's virginal conception is the second documented in a Komodo dragon.

The reptiles, renowned for their intelligence, are native to Indonesia. They are the world's largest lizards and have no natural predators - making them on par with sharks and lions at the pinnacle of the animal kingdom.

Parthenogenesis is a process in which eggs become embryos without male fertilization. It has been seen in about 70 species, including snakes and lizards. Scientists are unsure whether female Komodo dragons have always had this latent ability to reproduce or if this is a new evolutionary development.

At 8 years old, Flora - whom Buley describes as "demure" - is sexually mature. Having been raised in captivity, she has never been exposed to a male Komodo dragon.

Flora's keepers first became suspicious in May, when she laid 25 eggs.

Though it's not uncommon for female dragons to lay eggs without mating, such eggs are not usually fertilized. As a precaution, they were placed in an incubator. About half of Flora's eggs looked like real eggs - they were very white and had solid shells.

When three of them collapsed, scientists took a closer look.

"We saw blood vessels and a small embryo," said Buley, "And we knew immediately that Flora had fertilized the eggs herself."

They then sent the collapsed eggs, along with tissue samples from Flora and a male Komodo dragon to a laboratory that conducted genetic testing to determine the eggs' parentage. Results showed that although the baby Komodo dragons are not exact Flora clones, their DNA could not have come from any other dragon.

"Komodo dragons seem to be able to switch ways of reproducing to deal with a shortage of suitable boyfriends,". In contrast, other lizard species that reproduce asexually cannot mate normally.

That might give Komodos a distinct survival edge. Only about 4,000 dragons remain in the wild, of which 1,000 are female.

"If female dragons can on occasion help out by virgin births, more power to them. Komodo dragons are the ultimate survivors. This is just another way this species can adapt to its surroundings."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

- O.K. Nessie, I guess it's about time for another evolutionary upheaval.

And the human race thinks it's so invulnerable.

"Jurrasic Park" anyone?

The Way I See It #14

2007-05-24T23:15:00.000-05:00

Of course, everyone knows the engineering department can't read...

Thank God...

2007-05-15T21:03:00.000-05:00

Tinky Winky says, "Bye-bye"

Satan has finally come to claim his first born son.

Burn in hell you homophobic, self-righteous son of a bitch.

Can we all just get along now?

The Way I See It #13

2007-04-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

Just look at that fuzzy little bear, it looks like a whore.

The clock winding down, quickly.

2007-03-06T10:56:00.000-05:00

I was sitting in the sauna at my gym today, when a man, about 55-60 years old, with a huge gut entered the room completely out of breath. He sat down next to a woman I can only assume was his wife, and panted for about another 5 minutes. She asked him what he had been doing. He replied that he was doing laps in the pool, doing every lap on one breath. She said “Are you trying to kill yourself?”. To which he replied, “If I can’t do one lap on a single breath, then I’ll just take a stim.“.

“Stim” meaning stimulant.

Great idea! Take a stimulant, which is only going to increase your heart rate, and thus increase your oxygen consumption, making it even HARDER to make that lap. You’ll pass out, or have a coronary, before you even get halfway across the pool. Not only that, but you need to lose about 90 pounds before you even attempt anything harder than a treadmill.

And people wonder why heart attacks are the number one killer of middle-aged male Americans.

Welcome To 2007...Continued

2007-02-20T13:30:00.000-05:00

Earlier I posted on how thrilled I am that my current employer decided they no longer require my services. Their reason? Well, none. But they did hire a guy named Eric to replace me. I saw his audition. It was quite good. He sang a song from "Jesus Christ Superstar", which needless to say was not in the style of the show he was auditioning for at all. I doubted they would hire him. Way too ethnic looking, too much of an R&B sound. But they did hire him, and I was fired.

Then Eric failed his pre-employment drug test.

Seems this company can't replace me without finding the WORST choice possible.

So, now scrambling to find a replacement for my replacement, management decides to hire a guy named Paul from New York. Just so happens that one of the female singers in the show has worked with him before. He played Ali Hakim in "Oklahoma" with her. In case you don't know Oklahoma, that role barely sings and doesn't dance at all. Now, the clueless management of my current production has a horrible habit of hiring male singers who don't know their right foot from their left, so I ask this girl, "How good is this guy? Can he dance at all?" To which she replies, "Well, he's not that much of a dancer. Actually acting is more his forte."

Great. An actor. Hired for a singing/dancing role.

And this is my replacement?

Way to go you dumb fucks.

Master Of His Universe

2007-01-20T08:48:00.000-05:00

"One", he thought. Simply one more time should be sufficient.

Gathering a mighty breath, he summoned the last of his energy. His enemies all lay nearly unconscious before him, gasping for air, already overpowered by the sheer magnitude of his unearthly strength. But this last effort was so intense he almost made himself pass out.

Perhaps this one would be different, perhaps it would not be so overpowering. Concentrating, he pushed once more with all his might. Then, with a mighty "BBBRRRAAPP!!", the unthinkable happened again...

Yup, broccoli.

Welcome To 2007...Now Kiss My Ass

2007-01-10T03:37:00.000-05:00

On the 3rd of January my girlfriend broke up with me. She complained that we don't get to see each other enough. That she only saw me "on the weekend". Funny thing is she works the same 2 jobs as I do, and on an almost identical schedule.

5 days later, the incredibly intelligent, well-thought out, and without-a-fucking-clue management of this piece of shit I call a job have decided they no longer need my services.

They've pulled this bullshit on me before, back in 2002, and I bit the bullet. I took a demotion, and stayed with them for another year for less money and more work.

It is truly unbelievable just how clueless these people are. The last time they pulled this crap, the guy that they hired to replace me was so talentless, that they asked if I could perform my old part (for less pay) for the first month of the contract, because the idiot they hired to replace me was utterly clueless and needed another month of rehearsal.

This show only gets 3 weeks of rehearsal. This guy needed 7. And that's my replacement???

I can sing any role, swing any spot, reverse any choreography...and all on a single moments notice.

Well fuck you, you god-damn, piece of shit, mother fucking, asshole, fuckwad, son of a cocksucker, take it up the ass, egomanical, self-centered bitches. You'd have no idea how to discern "talented" from William Hung even if someone handed you "Casting For Dummies". Some of the most recent singers you've fired (that you claimed were not talented enough to grace your stage) can be seen on national television in the new reality show "Grease - You're The One That I Want", and another is currently understudying the role of Ulla in "The Producers" on Broadway.

You fucking morons.

I've given you over 5 1/2 of the best years of my life, and you STILL treat my like shit.

May you all die, and your putrid corpses be slowly devoured by the lowest life forms on earth.

I guess there is one upside to all of this...if you start out the year with this much crap, the only way to go is up.

At least you hope so.

The Way I See it #12

2006-12-29T07:48:00.000-05:00

Eeewwwwww...

In The News

2006-12-13T13:09:00.000-05:00

And the winner for the least amount of Christmas spirit goes to...

"Every holiday season for 25 years there were Christmas trees at the airport serving Seattle. But one complaint, accompanied by the threat of legal action, was enough to get them removed.

Officials at Sea-Tac Airport said a rabbi with the Central Organization for Jewish Learning calls them offensive. He hired a lawyer and threatened to sue, demanding the airport put up an eight-foot menorah to balance the message of the Christmas trees.

An airport spokeswoman said the two sides couldn't reach an agreement before the suit was to be filed. All 15 trees were removed."

What the report doesn't say is that after this story broke, the rabbi received so many letters complaining about his obvious lack of anything even vaguely resembling a soul, that he dropped his frivolous lawsuit. The airport put the Christmas trees back up where they belong.

We win asshole.

A lesson to all you idiots out there...

Don't fuck with Christmas.

The Way I See It #11

2006-10-21T13:48:00.000-05:00

So where are those cars going?

The Way I See It #10

2006-10-15T05:04:00.000-05:00

Ummm...O.K...

Pride and prejudice

2006-10-08T03:44:00.000-05:00

You know what this country needs a lot less of?

Pride. Especially "Black Pride". It's good to be proud of who you are. It's quite another to think that your shit don't stink and to make sure that EVERYONE knows it. I actually had a black girl snap her fingers at me and demanded to know what time it was. Do you know what would happen if I'd called her on it? Or worse yet if I snapped my fingers back at her? There'd be hell to pay. When I walk down the street, 90% of the time if someone moves out of another person's way it's usually me. The other person is usually black, quite often female. They make absolutely no effort to be courteous, they just barrel on through like they own the sidewalk...and God forbid if you should actually bump into them. You'll get a rant on how the white man has oppressed "my people". Hey, dumbass, I'm not a slave owner, O.K.? My family hasn't had anything to do with that in multiple generations, if at all. But I'm not allowed to say anything, I just have to sit there and take it. As a white male I'm not allowed to speak up for myself. Minorities have not only taken to speaking up about it, they take you to court for it. Either that or you get a tirade about "the white man". White men have become the brunt of everyone's anger. Blacks. Hispanics. Women. I realize that in the past it has been mostly white men in power, but is that what you're "pride" is all about? "You did it to us, so now we're going to do it to you." What is this, Kindergarten? When did I personally ever do anything to you? Do I deserve lifelong punishment for something someone did 150 years ago?

I'm not white, I'm light tan. Do I get offended or upset if someone calls me white? No. So what's wrong with calling you black? Would you prefer I call you dark brown? And yes, descriptive words like these are needed in life. It would be like taking offense to being called blonde or brunette. It's simply the color of your hair. Nothing more, nothing less. I do not judge you by the color of your skin. I judge you by your actions.

But this trend doesn't end with just whites, many blacks seem to be at war with each other. A black teenage boy was killed in Brooklyn by another black teen for his I-Pod. He was stabbed to death, multiple times. You constantly hear of gang activity in areas like Harlem and Compton. Black against black. East coast versus West coast. Killing each other over nothing. Deifying rap stars who are little more than thugs, and even call themselves thugs. Tupak Shakur has been raised to the status of a Christ figure. Why? These highly regarded figures record albums that tout how they like to smack their bitches around, or how they're "gonna pop a cap in your head" if you look at them sideways. Albums with titles like "Cop Killer". These pussies are probably about as tough as a newborn kitten.

Martin Luther King hoped his children would "live in an nation where they are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character". What do you think Dr. King would think about that "character" if he were alive today? I think he would be appalled and disgusted. He wanted equality. He wanted racial harmony. He wanted understanding. What is happening in the world today is not what he gave his life for.

Cause For Celebration?

2006-09-13T14:06:00.000-05:00

This is from an e-mail I received from the CPDSA, an organization I used to skate with in New York City. Keep in mind that the parade runs from 111th street up to 142nd, right through the middle of Harlem...

"Here we are in 2006, our 3rd year in the AFRICAN AMERICAN DAY PARADE. We will have a Float to house a state of the art sound system and signs with our logo prominently displayed.

Sunday, September 17, 2006 - 4:00 PM. The meet is at: 113th street on the West Side of Adam Clayton Powell Jr. Blvd.

Leave valuables at home."

Cirque du Mass Produced Crap

2006-09-08T15:40:00.000-05:00

This has officially reached the point of ridiculous...

"CKX, Inc., its subsidiary Elvis Presley Enterprises and Cirque du Soleil have reached an agreement with MGM MIRAGE to create a permanent Elvis Presley show at the CityCenter hotel/casino, under construction in Las Vegas. The show is expected to open with the hotel in November 2009."

O.K., let's all count shall we? There's "Mystere" at Treasure Island (or the T.I.), "O" at the Bellagio, "Zumanity" at New York, New York, "Ka" at the MGM, and the new, downright sacrilegious "Love" at the Mirage, based on the music of the Beatles. Add to that the touring production of "Delirium" now in town, plus this new Elvis-based show. And if you want to expand your thinking, both Celine Dion's, "A New Day" at Caesar's and "Le Reve" at the Wynn were conceived by Dragone, also from Cirque. Does this town really need NINE Cirque du Soleil shows?

I guess all showgirl memorabilia will soon be replaced by cracked-out, 21st century clowns...

Megadeth

2006-08-31T19:44:00.000-05:00

I work with a girl named Meredith. She's from Alabama, or "Bama" as she calls it. The girl is the definition of poor white trash, with a deep southern drawl...and a forked tongue. She bitches about everything. So much so that the girls who sit next to her have all requested to be moved to the other side of the room. She relentlessly teases the girl I'm seeing. No, scratch that, she outright hates her, and she's turned her Medusa head toward me because of it. At a recent work party she called my name, and when I turned she threw a football straight at my face. We make jokes about her and have given her names like "Megadeth", or D.B. for "dirty bitch" or "droopy boobs". To say that I don't like this girl is an understatement. I distance myself from her whenever I can and avoid eye contact like the plague.

Meredith died this week. She was only 25.

This has become one of the more puzzling inner struggles I've ever had to deal with. How do you feel when the school bully dies? Am I sad that she died? Yes. Am I glad that I don't have to deal with her abrasive personality anymore? Also yes. Does this make me a bad person? Of course not. Then why do I feel like one? She wasn't evil. And she wasn't a bad person. She had friends. She made people laugh. Something went wrong somewhere and now it's too late to find out what. A group of us were talking about her the other night, discussing what a complete and utter B-I-T-C-H she could be. Right at that moment she was probably taking her last breath.

Perhaps I was too narrow-minded. Perhaps I could have met her half way. Perhaps I just gave up and never gave her a chance. Perhaps I withdrew into my own little world and decided I was just going to hate her, no matter what. Perhaps she brought all this on herself, but does that mean I couldn't at least try to see her side? It may have all been a simple misunderstanding. Something that could have been easily remedied by merely talking to each other. I'll never know.

Once a person is gone, you don't get the chance to make it right.

Scott's Blog

Fuck you.

Somewhere deep down I knew this was going to happen, but still...

2009 - The Year In Review

The Way I See It #20

Uh, could you change your name...please?

Drumroll please...

Back to work...sort of.

Sign of the times...unfortunately.

The Way I See It #19

An accident waiting to happen?

The 12 Days of Christmas

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to say, so call it "stream of consciousness"...

Thanksgiving

Welcome to my brain. Try not to be afraid.

Is it the same person? Or triplets separated at birth?

Am I back in Germany???

When did the world go completely insane?

Eeeeeeeeeeekkkk!!!

'Twas beauty killed the beast

Black dang the corn swazzlin' ferd...

Dating In The Year 2009

Halloween is coming...

Somebody PLEASE kill me

While visiting my mother in the hospital, I took a trip down to the Gift Shop...

"Good Afternoon! Welcome to the Bank of Sadistic Assholes! My name is Satan. How can I fuck you over today?"

"Fatal Attraction"

Amy visits Sacramento

Oxymoron Day

Tick...tick...tick...

Believe it or not, he's actually gotten BIGGER!!!

Say "hello" to my little friend...

Let your fingers do the walking

My new theme song...

Won't be fooled again

According to Webster's - Part Deux

A typical day answering the phones while working at the front desk...

Sometimes you just need to STOP. . . and "listen"

Everyone gets their "Day In The Sun"...

My brother ROCKS THE HOUSE!!!

I think I may have gotten a LITTLE carried away...

Phase X

Bikram Yoga?

Uhh...somehow I don't think so

A wise man once said...

Man, I Feel Like A Woman

I hate California

Livestrong

According to Webster's

Native Sons - Part II

Overqualified

"Brain and brain, what is brain?" - Star Trek TOS

Wintertime in Northern California

Native Sons of the Golden West

Scott 1 and Scott 2

Inauguration Day

"RRRIIINNNG!...RRRIIINNNG!..."

A letter for the year 2008

The Way I See It #18

I think my car radio is trying to tell me something

You've got to be joking, 2007 isn't over yet?

Only 16 days to go...

Little Soldier

The Way I See It #17

Puerto Vallarta

Hey 2007, can you go away now???

Survival of the Dumbest

Name of the game

The Way I See It #16

The Nine

The Way I See It #15

*scratching his head*

Play it again Sam

Evolutionary Perspective

The Way I See It #14

Thank God...

The Way I See It #13

The clock winding down, quickly.

Welcome To 2007...Continued

Master Of His Universe

scratching his head